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DON'T PANIC... but our fragile world is drifting away from the Sun

Jeez, get a grip, Sol!

European flag with sad face

User had no webcam or mic, complained vid conference didn’t work

On-Call European Commission sysadmin offers us tales of Euro-dunderheads

IpHONE x family line-up

Apple iPhone X: Two weeks in the life of an anxious user

A smartphone that plucks at your heartstrings, not always in a good way

IBM lifts its 22-quarter shrinking sales curse: Finally, a whole 1% uptick

Big Blue exits five-year skid, shares fall on uncertain future

caracal

Someone is touting a mobile, PC spyware platform called Dark Caracal to governments

Hundreds of gigabytes already slurped, say EFF and Lookout

Bigger Blue: Tonic for Ginni as IBM actually does OK in storage

Analysis Four quarters of growth in a row ain't too shabby

Take a bow, TalkTalk, Post Office, Vodafone! You win most-whinged-about telcos award

Regulator figures show Sky, Tesco users as most content

Digital mortgage service sounds handy, right? Oh, it's through UK.gov's Verify

Keys in hands of highly borkable ID gateway

Make it rain: NetApp sets up Cloud Infrastructure biz unit

Stuffs portfolio with CI, flash and converged solutions

Why did I buy a gadget I know I'll never use?

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Just put it under the desk along with all the others

You may not be a software company, but that isn't an excuse to lame-out at computering

If pizza delivery, coffee joints and banks can do it, so can you

DON'T PANIC... but our fragile world is drifting away from the Sun

Jeez, get a grip, Sol!

User had no webcam or mic, complained vid conference didn’t work

On-Call European Commission sysadmin offers us tales of Euro-dunderheads

Have three WINEs this weekend, because WINE 3.0 has landed

Wine Is Not an Emulator Windows-on-POSIX software now handles Windows apps on Android

.UK overseer Nominet abandons its own charitable foundation – and why this matters

Special report Non-profit org mutates into investment firm

Baywatch hero drone saves silly struggling swimmers Down Under from going down under

Video Only tits in this drama were the two kids in trouble

Text bomb, text bomb, you're my text bomb! Naughty HTML freezes Messages, Safari, etc

Apple font code on iOS, macOS knackered by texted link

Two things will survive a nuclear holocaust: Cockroaches and crafty URLs like ғасеьоок.com

Pesky phishing pages using international domain names just won't go away

A380 saved as Emirates orders another 20 planes, plus 16 options

Airbus says it’ll keep building the behemoth of the skies into the 2030s

Nervy nuke-armed nation fires missile with 5,000km range

India can hit all of China now. Or Moscow, Athens, USA’s Indian Ocean navy base ...

Linux's Grsecurity dev team takes blog 'libel' fight to higher court

Meanwhile, Bruce Perens wants his legal bills footed

IBM lifts its 22-quarter shrinking sales curse: Finally, a whole 1% uptick

Big Blue exits five-year skid, shares fall on uncertain future

Goodbye Netscaler, Xen. Hello Citrix SD-WAN, Citrix Desktop, Citrix...

Exclusive Devs toil away unifying product suites ahead of May rebrand launch

You get a lawsuit! And you get a lawsuit! And you! Now Apple sued over CPU security flaws

iGiant up next in the Meltdown-Spectre-sueball-a-palooza

Sad-sack Anon calling himself 'Mr Cunnilingus' online is busted for DDoSing ex-bosses

Electronics tutor's taunts come back to haunt him

Sili-spurned Valley! No way, San Jose! Amazon snubs SF Bay Area in search for HQ2 city

Bezos narrows down search for new base to 20 cities, mostly on East Coast

Feds charge Barclays trader with fraud in Hewlett-Packard deal

Forex head alleged to have manipulated market in 'front-running' scheme

DigitalOcean cuts cloud server pricing to stop rivals eating its lunch

Faces up to AWS, Google with future per-second billing plan

Home Office admits it sent asylum seeker’s personal info to the state he was fleeing

UK.gov pays £15,500 in damages after failed fact-check

Scumbag who tweeted vulnerable adults' details is hauled into court

Kent bloke 'threatened' privacy watchdog that he'd release more

Someone is touting a mobile, PC spyware platform called Dark Caracal to governments

Hundreds of gigabytes already slurped, say EFF and Lookout

F-35 'incomparable' to Harrier jump jet, top test pilot tells El Reg

Interview Naturally we demanded proof – and we got it

DXC confirms veep level shake-up in new world order

Exclusive CEO thanks execs for service... more than most get

Google fuels up Chromecast Wi-Fi flooding fix

It lands today

Apple iPhone X: Two weeks in the life of an anxious user

A smartphone that plucks at your heartstrings, not always in a good way

And Oracle E-biz suite makes 3: Package also vulnerable to exploit used by cryptocurrency miner

Hat trick!

M&S extends customer support contract with, er, Capita

Web chat? On the phone? Online? That'll be UK IT's Mr Nasty you are talking to

What do voters want? An IRL Maybot? Sure, give that a whirl

Tory council candidate moots an even more robotic PM – for the 'more personable touch'

NHS: Thanks for the free work, Linux nerds, now face our trademark cops

Devs quit, suggest Britain's health service bosses used them to bag Microsoft deal

Intellectual Property Office drops, er, patently cool cartoon to teach kids about trademarks

Hey, Reg can entertain children. IP freely, anyone, IP freely?

All aboard the Vomit Comet: Not the last train to Essex, but a modded 727 for weightless flight

All that stands between you and zero g is skill and a rubber duck

How many Routemaster bus seats would it take to fill Wembley Stadium?

Potential Reg Standards Soviet entry? Let's take a closer look

VTech fondleslabs for kids 'still vulnerable' despite sanctions

Researchers claim flaws remain more than two years later

Former Cisco CEO John Chambers says insects are the new lobsters

Only a venture capitalist could say something like that – but that’s what Chambers is now

Mozilla edict: 'Web-accessible' features need 'secure contexts'

If an API or feature needs the 'net, it needs HTTPS under Mozilla's new plan

Red Hat slams into reverse on CPU fix for Spectre design blunder

Microcode mitigations trigger system wobbles, penguinistas warn

Software that predicts whether crims will break the law again is no better than you or me

Court sentencing tool under the microscope

North Korea's finest spent 2017 distributing RATs, wipers, and phish

And sent them mostly to South Korea, naturally

YouTube turns off cash tap for automatic video nasties

Beer money channels that made under $100 a year are also out of the Partner Program

Industrial systems scrambling to catch up with Meltdown, Spectre

Some confessions, but 'watch this space' is the more common reaction - when there is one

Broadcom confirms anti-trust probe, professes zero worries

Says probe doesn't impact wireless lines, leaving about a gazillion other products in play

Poison ping pong prompts patch from Cisco

Switchzilla has fixes for appliances, voice portal, Nexus switch OS

Crypto-cash exchange BitConnect pulls plug amid Bitcoin bloodbath

BTC plunge, er, sorry, market correction leaves faithful shaken but not deterred

Free gift for all readers: Google's AutoML launch translated into plain English (where possible)

It's an image-recognition thing

Make Apple, er, America Great Again: iGiant to bring home profits, pay $38bn in repatriation tax

Triumphant Trump touts terrific tax tactic

Hehe, still writing code for a living? It's 2018. You could be earning x3 as a bug bounty hunter

Oh, yeah, and learning new tricks and protecting stuff, sure

Hey. Facebook, Twitter, YouTube. Get in here... so we can shake your hands – US Senate cyber-terror panel

So much for that grilling

Who's using 2FA? Sweet FA. Less than 1 in 10 Gmail users enable two-factor authentication

Usenix Enigma Your daily dose of digital depression

HTML5 may as well stand for Hey, Track Me Longtime 5. Ads can use it to fingerprint netizens

Usenix Enigma This language is wired for sound

SAP boss promises to cull marketing dross on community network

Bill McDermott admits hub was seen as a 'channel to promote corporate messages'

New Quantum head honcho thrown in at the deep end

Comment CEO Patrick Dennis has his work cut out

Sueball smacks AMD over processor chip security flaw silence

CEO, CFO in crosshairs after shareholder 'losses'

France to lend Brexit Britain sore souvenir of Norman yoke – the Bayeux Tapestry

Prez Macron expected to agree loan when he meets PM

Former Santander bank manager pleads guilty to computer misuse crimes

Updated Customer details spilled to boyfriend

UK.gov slammed for NHS data-sharing deal with Home Office

Flouts doctors' guidelines, doesn't properly balance public interests, MPs told

Another day, another Spectre fix slowdown: What to expect if you heart ZFS

Blogger records 7-8% toll on read IOPS

PPI-pusher makes 75 MEEELLION nuisance calls, lands £350k fine

Firm slapped for 'blatantly ignoring telemarketing laws'

Ofcom cracks on with spectrum auction rules, despite Three's legal challenge

UK telcos continue appeal to lower spectrum cap

Going soft: Kaminario exits the hardware business

Software-centric business model to reach disruptive industry price point

National Audit Office report blasts UK.gov's 'muddled' STEM strategy

More people have skillz, but not in fields that need them

SPEC SFS 2014 benchmark smashed by storage newbie

NVMe over Fabrics shows its razor sharp performance teeth

Biggest vuln bombshell in forever and storage industry still umms and errs over patches

Analysis Does it run in VMs, containers, systems running external code? Just. Patch. It

Shafted by bosses, disdained by punters, loved by hackers – yes, it's freelance workers

Usenix Enigma Turns out they are a top target for phishers

Destroying the city to save the robocar

Special report The fight for our public space

Heathrow's air traffic radio set for shiny digital upgrade from Northrop

With built-in web servers. Yup, you read that right

'No evidence' UK.gov has done much to break up IT outsourcing

Carillion scandal part of a long tradition of big supplier addiction

Wanna motivate staff to be more secure? Don't bother bribing 'em

Usenix Enigma Also, don't get the BOFH to publicly smack them with a LART

VMware’s NSX world domination plan advances with not-just-point release

Version 6.4 brings the NSX GUI to the vSphere client

Another round of click-fraud extensions pulled from Chrome Store

More than 500,000 users stung

Google's 'QUIC' TCP alternative slow to excite anyone outside Google

Multiplexing-over-UDP idea has hit the standards track, but is mostly ignored

Flying on its own, Thunderbird seeks input on new look

Brings in designers to apply a new coat of UI before world thinks it looks too shabby to run

Storage Spaces Direct cheapens itself, hardware-wise, adds NVDIMM support

Good news – assuming software-defined storage is still viable after Meltdown/Spectre

Google sinks cash into more submarine cables, plans more data centres

South America, Europe and Asia get pipes, DCs for Finland, Honkers and Hollywood

Today in bullsh*t AI PR: Computers learn to read as well as humans (no)

Analysis Nice tech, but shame on Microsoft, Alibaba's spinners

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