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Apple Watch: We ROUNDUP the ROUNDUPS. Yes, Roundup-squared

Four things ye must know of the fruity stroker bracelet

By Lewis Page, 9 Apr 2015

FOUR THINGS ye must know about the Apple Watch:

First, it is from APPLE.

Second, it is a bit like a WATCH. For instance, it goes on your wrist.

Third, without an iPhone 5 or 6 it is USELESS. Actually maybe that should have been first. Sorry.

Fourth, the world's media are now publishing many, many reviews and commentaries on it - so many that you cannot possibly read them all, and for this reason many publications are helpfully providing roundups of the reviews. Sadly, such is the volume of the wristjob blurtgasm that there are too many roundups for anyone to read in less than (approximately) a million hajillion years.

So, as is our custom here at the Register, we've used our proprietary Media Boildown™ bigdata analytic tactic (analytictactic) technology technique (tech2nique?) to produce a roundup of all the roundups: a Roundup2 if you will, presenting the double-distilled wisdom of the world's "tech media" on the subject.

Selected rounduppage:

"Apple Watch reviews very positive ..." Aha! Oh, but wait - "... with some caveats". (Sydney Morning Herald)

"The consensus among reviews is that the Apple Watch sets the bar for smartwatches ..." Whoa! But hang on - "... but has downfalls as a first-generation product and isn't for everyone." (MacRumors)

"Apple Watch Reviews Are ..." Wait for it, wait for it - "... Mixed Bag". Bastard! (PYMNTS.com)

"Everyone loves the Apple Watch!" Yay! What? - "Wait, actually, there have been some pretty mixed reviews" Boo! (BGR)

Etc etc. We also conducted a scientific straw poll here at the Register offices, and it turned out we do know a few technology hacks who are planning to buy Apple Watches with their own money - but all of them are freelancers who plan to make it back many times over by writing reviews of it ("Living with the Apple Watch: One Month In", "My Year with the Apple Watch", "As the Apple Cockring Retina Pro Air goes on sale, I reflect back to the beginning of three glorious decades with more and more Apple wearables fastened to various parts of my body" etc).

As ever, we had some trouble with our buggy Boildown™ technology, which kept insisting that basically nothing important is going on here. At one point the algorithms went completely haywire, seeming to suggest that the entire wearables/Internet-O-Stuff blabber storm results from nothing more than an understandable desire by the chip and networking industries to keep inserting networked devices into smaller and more numerous things. This, apparently in order to ensure that their markets keep expanding as they have done through the mainframe-mini-desktop-thinclient-laptop-cloud-tablet-mobe epochs.

So, as our bigdata analytictactic tech2nique has plainly let us down, we thought we'd go with the more time-honoured tech2nique of slurping a bit of handmade crowdsauce bigdata - thus:

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