Netadmin wanted for 'terrible, terrible, awful job nobody wants'

Calling network administrators: do you want more stress? A fuller inbox? More demanding and ever-moving objectives?Then apply to be the next network administrator at the Children's Specialty Center of Nevada!

The position offers generous benefit packages --and you'll need it for the extra cost of counselling and tissues to wipe away the tears and beads of "off-the-chart" stress this job creates.

Here you'll be serving as both the IT guy and the IT guy for problems stretching well beyond the network.

You, the candidate, will live "outside of the box", will warm to "barely organised chaos" and possess an "almost impossible combination of knowing a little about almost all levels of information technology support".

Like parties? Good, because come year's end you'll be stuffed into a Halloween costume and forced to eat chili before returning to the long days that make it seem like there is "no point to the madness".

LANs, WANs, and SANs will be your breakfast, lunch, and dinner as you install, maintain, and support the hospital's hardware and software.

There's a growing user base too, and they all have needs. They love smart phones.

If you get bored of networking, you'll be chuffed to know that you're also the security guy, a role which will ensure you're the one everyone talks about but not to.

This role is for someone who can "smile through tears" while remaining "compassionate and calm" in the face of childhood diseases.

You'll need to supplement your superhuman talent and longing for masochism with three years' of network administration experience and a degree in some sort of computer thing.

No takers? Then maybe security is more your schtick.

As a child did you prefer to build Lego, or break your brother's? Did you consider yourself a champion of the meek, but revel in the serenity of technical reports?

Then apply to be the gloomy yet talented debrider of digital fabric at an Australian organisation.

Whoever gets the gig as a "Senior breaker-aparterer & begrudging yet proficient report writer aka PenTester" will work as a "guardian of a safer and more secure internet", loading your Metasploit cannon and Burp mortar to mow-down crackers and fraudsters targeting Australia's most precious assets, along with Canberra.

Your body armor will be composed of a CREST certification that will leave customers salivating, a Global Information Assurance Certification and that shiniest of silver bullets the Certified Ethical Hacker.

You'll do vulnerability assessments, secure code reviews and report to senior commanders about "what was, what could have been, and what can be".

"Shit-hot" candidates should apply directly.

And whoever's putting this stuff in recruiters' water can stop now, okay? ®