New iPad: The only review roundup you'll ever need

So the new iPad is out tomorrow (indeed today if you live near the Date Line) and all the world's media is aflame with non-stop fondleslab coverage. So many reviews and analyses of the world-shaking new information portaportal have been published that many top media outlets are now issuing roundups of the reviews, seeking to simplify matters for their readers: but such is the volume of stuff needing to be rounded up that in fact it would take all day merely to read the roundups.

Thus it is that Vulture Publishing has decided to take it to the next level and bring you a roundup of all the biggest roundups, thus reducing the amount of stuff you have to read down again to just one comprehensive super-Roundup². We've then applied our patented, experimental Media Boildown™ analysis algorithm technology (we think it could be as big as liveblogging!) to the results: this radical new technology can take any event, no matter how complex and far-reaching, and reduce it to one sentence. If you want that sentence straight away, simply skip to the bottom of this article.

So - on with the Roundup²:

The new iPad: Review Roundup (Washington Post):

"Reviews for the new iPad are in and they are glowing"

Review roundup: Apple's new iPad has 'spectacular' display, LTE 'screams' (Apple Insider):

"The first reviews of Apple's third-generation iPad are beginning to appear, with most reviewers reporting that they are strongly impressed"

A day before new iPad launches, reviewers are wowed by HD screen (Daily Mail):

"Early reviews of the new iPad are in - and there is only one word on everyone's lips: Screen, screen, screen."

New iPad: Early Review Roundup (Mashable):

"[Blah blah blah] a number of early reviews are already hitting the web. Bottom line? Reviewers adore the new Retina Display"

There were also another couple of thousand roundups, mystifyingly based on a much smaller number of actual hands-on reviews, but you get the idea. The take-away message from the Roundup² process is this: there is a new model of the iPad out. It is just like the one before it but it has a better display and faster mobile networking which in many cases you will not be able to use (or need to, as often there will be WiFi). If you liked the old iPad you will like this. If you were unimpressed with the old iPad you will still be unimpressed with this. Reviewers who have one are very excited, but this is mainly because they have one.

We tried our new, Boildown™ technology on this data. The first couple of results were plainly wrong ("Nothing of significance has happened here", "Basically unimportant company releases basically unimportant product"), so we adjusted the News Threshold variable to zero and turned up Significance of Brands and Everyone Excited Means Something to full, and ran Boildown™ again. This is what we got:

It's just an iPad, FFS.

We'll keep refining it, it's plainly not working yet. ®