Stephen on Steve: The most important man on Earth

Legendary tech opinion-former Stephen Pie is currently in Mongolia filming for the dramatised bio-documentary of the life of J R R Tolkien, Not Another Fucking Elf – expected to be one of the mega-hits of 2012 – in which he plays the great writer's imaginary pygmy butler confidante, Boggy. However he found time to send us his thoughts on the passing from our mortal ken of his close personal friend Steve Jobs.

Mr Pie, one of a select group of beta testers trialling the upcoming iPad Nano combination mini-fondleslab/voice-call device, was hampered by poor 5G cellular coverage in Ulan Bator and thus had to phone his thoughts in on a poor-quality intercontinental HF hookup. We've done our best to transcribe the results.

It's Stephen here ... I'm very happy to talk about Steve Jobs because he's someone I've been lucky enough to be very, very close to for some time ...

I don't think there has ever been a human being on the planet as important ... Steve has proven conclusively that passion and good taste are more important than having a hard <interference> ...

He had invented ... the idea of the home computer ... then the Mac, which leapt forward in terms of user interface, with the menus, the mouse ... clicking ... email, the web ... I could go on ...

Of course when I say he invented it, he didn't invent it, someone else did that ... the idea that you have to be an inventor is nonsense ... Hitler didn't invent the telephone, Margaret Thatcher didn't invent the handbag, Genghis Khan didn't invent, you know, er, the hammer ...

Steve Jobs has always understood that as human beings our primary relationship with anything is a sexual one. Take architects ...

People go to work with strip lighting, ghastly carpets ... we don't tolerate them. Computers are like buildings, people visit them every day ... he [Jobs] thought that they [the people?] should be smooth, and beautiful ... a building can be witty and charming, and delightful, so can a person ...

He [Jobs] thought that holding something in your hand, something that you should use to connect to other people, should bring a smile to your face ... it's something you should cradle, should love and have an emotional relationship with, and if people think that's a bit onanistic, then, um, the success of Apple is proof of how right they are ...

People don't hate people because they drive a gold Maserati rather than, an, um, what do ghastly-carpet people drive, a Vauxhall ... but when it comes to religion ... if you think that someone is an Apple person you not only don't let them have their Apple, you have to let them know how much you hate them and everything they stand for ...

Steve Jobs, as well as being the most successful businessman of his era [?], has divided society ... people have become "fanbois", as people perceive me to be ... in fact, as I hope you know, my love is not for humans but for the whole field of technology, I am celibate except when it comes to my thing which I hold in my hand ... I would love it if every company was as, as dirty, as easy to use, as innovative as Apple ...

But I'm not here to justify what I do to myself, I'm here to talk about a remarkable man ... when we think of living in the age of Donald Trump or Neville Chamberlain, which we can't do, people will look back on us and think, "this was the Age of Steve Jobs" ... he changed the world, he changed the cultural landscape, he changed me from a doleful comedian into, well, whatever it is that I have become ... a being of pure light I suppose ...

You know the motor car, well it completely changed the way human beings live ... obviously not quite so much in places where nobody's got cars or for people who don't have them ... my thing in my hand is like a car, throbbing ...

Well, he [Jobs] turned computing into an enjoyable experience where you could have a direct physical encounter with a small device like the iPhone, and whole new experiences with the iPad ... he did it with passion, and always in the best possible taste ...

I mourn his leaving the world of, of, of, of computing and the directness of contact that he's had ... as a man ... I would like to call him a kind of friend ...

It is a remarkable moment in the history of our time ... there are few more important people on the planet ... if I'd said that 10 years ago, you'd have thought I was completely insane ...

I've gone on far too long, you can't possibly play all of this ... I've just said what I felt I needed to say.

The truly remarkable thing is how little of this is made up. ®

Bootnote

We presume that Mr Stephen Fry – any resemblance to whom on the part of Mr Pie is purely coincidental – has now changed his mind as to what event this week was the sad story of the decade.

We are following up unconfirmed reports that Steve Jobs is actually still alive.