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Sons of Kahn: The Apocrypha

Delphi in a Discotheque

By Verity Stob, 23 Aug 2010

Stob The Sons of Kahn move on

  1. And it came to pass, as hath previously been extensively documented, that the Sons of Kahn were sold by the Borlandites unto the hyperpolysyllabic Embarcoderhododendrongogogoch.
  2. And one acquisition begat another. For, in turn, the Borlandites themselves were absorbed by the tribe of Methuselah-focus, that hath the knowing of the mystery of COBOL.
  3. And I wager this unto thee: this is verily the last we shall hear of the Borlandites.
  4. Thus it came about that the Sons of Kahn prepared to go forth from their old camp in the valley of the Scotts, to move into new premises. And they did clear out their old chattels, and did sell them for charity.
  5. And they did flog off many wondrous things:
    • Six Turbo Pascal V2 manual scrolls, describing CP/M support;
    • Ten buttons decorated 'I heart Sidekick Plus';
    • 2,728 copies of the jazz CD Philippe grooveth to Quattro Pro, not all John Hancocked by the headline artist;
    • One company sign, 6 x 4 cubits, hewn from a solid slab of the purest, crystal yocamite, and weighing many camels. And it was inscribed upon its face with the words:
    Borland Inprise Borland Codegear Embarcadero liveth here

    Please ring for attention

  6. (But whether there still existed the famous 1/5th scale model of Stonehenge, or it had been grubbed up, or was associated with some other site, sadly we have no news. For verily is it not well written that these corporate bloggers tell unto thee everything except what thou actually wanst to know?)
  7. And the Sons of Kahn did move unto a headquarters nearby in the valley of the Scotts, that is actually a discotheque by night. For they had got an excellent deal, provided they cleared out by 5.30pm every day.
  8. And this building is what you see portrayed on the otherwise-puzzling background image on their home page.

Resurgence of Delphi

  1. And the Sons of Kahn did labour diligently for many days and many nights.
  2. And they brought forth a 'map of the road for Delphi', which is marketing jargon for the improvements they planned.
  3. And the Users of Delphi looked upon this map of the road, and saw that it looked fab. For it promised:
    • New cross-platform compilers generating native code;
    • Mac and Linux compatibility without getting up out of your chair;
    • Probably do iPhone and iPad and Android too, if we feel like it;
    • And IBM z/Architecture for mainframes, and the Rolf Harris Stylophone.
    • Kick sand in the faces of Java and .NET developers after all these years of jeering.
    • Plus a 64-virgin compiler on arrival in heaven. Sorry, did we say 'virgin' there? Meant 'bits'. Definitely 'bits'.
  4. (At least, this is how it is remembered. It is now withdrawn, so thou canst check it not.)
  5. Wherefore the Users of Delphi did feel pretty cocky. And they did sing a new war song:
    MS lost its mojo,
    Jobsy mashed up Flash,
    Oracle's strangling Java,
    But Delph will never crash!
  6. And they dragged home their sorry asses (but forgetting not their even more disconsolate oxen) and prepared to govern.

Getting their XE-on

  1. Then the days of the year did swell as fat and yellow as the hairy goosegog on the bush.
  2. And it came to pass that the Sons of Kahn named the new version of Delphi unto the Users of Delphi. And it was not named 'Delphi 2011', nor 'Delphi 15', nor yet 'Delphi 14 Part 2' (for they had superstitiously skipped over version 13) but 'Delphi XE'.
  3. And the Users of Delphi knew not what 'XE' signified, although some claimed it was the name of a minor comedy robot who had appeared in a never-broadcast episode of Babylon 5.
  4. And at that time there appeared upon the Net a short film praising the virtues of  XE.
  5. And the Users of Delphi looked upon the film, and were sore afraid.
  6. For some considered it a warning to time travellers against crossing one's own time line.
  7. Yet others took it as a demonstration of spontaneity using the Stanislavski system of acting: "Now Mike, one of the development challenges we keep hearing about is: how can I keep my productivity at a maximum while I manage the source code revisions of individual developers as well as teams?" "I'm glad you asked, David."
  8. But when they sought mention of the new cross-compiler, they found it not. So they returned unto the map of the road of Delphi, and saw its detail had slightly changed:
    • Nobbled up-sell version of the third party profiler that thou already ownst;
    • Support for another type of UML diagram thou dost not use;
    • Slightly improved right-click IDE menu;
    • Nobbled up-sell version of the third party diff tool that thou already ownst;
    • Cross-compilation features held back for Delphi JT ('Jam Tomorrow', a comedy robot from Deep Space Nine's cancelled Season 8).

The Wrath of the Users

  1. Then the danders of the Users of Delphi assumed the up position. And they did gather at the newsgroup place called Nontechnical, which was their traditional place to gather when their danders were tumescent.
  2. For it was truly written of Nontechnical, that no son of man who visited there was ever embarrassed by dander flaccidity.
  3. And they cried out, one unto another: Let us smite the Sons of Kahn; yea, for it is the only language that they understandeth.
  4. Then the Sons of Kahn did look out in some alarm. And the giant David-Eye stepped forward saying, Let me handle this one.
  5. And David-Eye spake unto the mob of enraged Users of Delphi, saying: Hi. I'm David-Eye. I've been in this industry 30 years, and haven't things changed a lot? Next week I'm in Budapest. Come over and say hello.
  6. But the mob of enraged Users of Delphi calmed not.
  7. And the mob distributed among themselves the dangerous type of assegai that is called a 'pointer', and set fire to these pointers in the approved mob torching manner.
  8. Then there stepped forward from the Sons of Kahn a techie called Allenbauer.
  9. And Allenbauer spake unto the mob, saying: Come on guys, give unto us a break here.
  10. You know the map of the road doth fluctuate. Our cross-platform stuff isn't finished. Want ye another Delphi 2005?
  11. Let he who hath never slipped a project cast the first pointer.

Hiatus schmiatus

  1. But at this perilious juncture I must lay down my stylus, without the usual clarifying observation from the great prophet M'andee-rice Davies.
  2. For I have reached the very present moment, and there is as yet no more to tell.
  3. Exciting, eh? ®

David-Eye's calming speech to the enraged mob of users appeareth by permission of its devisor, to whom many thanks - VS.

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