Oi, Chav! Check out me website!
A user guide to Britain's new ruling class
Those readers who are from the Garden of England™ - aka Kent - will be more than familiar with "Chavs". Or, if you prefer, Neds, Townies, Kevs, Charvers, Steeks, Spides, Bazzas, Yarcos, Ratboys, Kappa Slappers, Skangers, Scutters, Janners, Stigs, Scallies and Hood Rats.
Our non-UK readership will have to bear with us for a moment while we direct you towards enlightenment in the form of splendid online resource www.chavscum.co.uk - a "user's guide to Britain's new ruling class". Yes indeed, here is everything you ever wanted to know about Chavs - two typical examples of which are pictured left - and a little bit more besides.
Those without experience of the world of chavdom are directed first to How to spot a Chav, which explains it thus:
Chavs have such a tribal dress code that you can spot one yards away! Now what makes the Chavs attire so funny is that they think they are at the cutting edge fashion and that by adorning their body with hunks of worthless 9ct gold crap they look rich! In reality what they do look like are a bunch of f**king pikeys!
Yes, it's Burberry baseball caps, Nickelson polo shirts and sovereign rings we're talking about here. Nasty. Moving on, we learn that essential Chav cultural prerequisites are a mobile phone - the flasher the better - a 15-year-old Vauxhall Nova, a Staffordshire Bull Terrier and a healthy regard for Rap, R&B and Dance.
Interested in embracing chavness? Well, get some pointers from chavscum's exhaustive list of celebrity Chavs, exchange tips with other Chavs, and finally, when the time comes for you and your partner to welcome a little chavette into the world, try the Naming your Chav baby service. This absolutely essential online resource informed me that: "Your new little girls name is... CRYSTAL KEELEY HAINES!!!" Bless. ®
Oh yes, we nearly forgot - you'll need some Chav jewellery and home furnishings. Get yourself straight down to Argos and type "chav" into the search box. The results will certainly delight the wannabe Chav. Of course, Argos may not be aware of their contribution to the promotion of chavness, so here's a screen grab - just in case. ®
Thanks to all those readers who wrote to point out that the rather disappointing reason the Argos search offers chairs and chains is that it only uses the first three letters - cha - as already noted in the b3ta newsletter. A heads-up nevertheless to Neil Rickus who first alerted us as to these shopping opportunities.
Ta very much too to the reader who complimented us on our up-to-the-minute news savvy, and asked: "Will you be reporting next week that Kennedy has been shot?" Shot? We'd heard he was going to Dallas, but...