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BOFH: Elf of Safety? Orc of Admin. Pleased to meet you

Episode 2 Come right this way. The PFY doesn't bite... that hard

Finally proof that Apple copies Samsung: iPhone 7 Plus halts, catches fire like a Galaxy Note 7

Vid Teen's shock as Jesus mobe turns into hottest tech

Man and woman arguing

Sysadmin's sole client was his wife – and she queried his bill

On-Call It all ends in beers after marital bliss and commercial reality collide

Motorola Moto Z with Hasselblad Camera Mod

Motorola's modular Moto Z: A fine phone for a weekend away

Hands-on And grand for everyday use, but the modules just don't excite

Pai, Pai, Mr American spy: FCC supremo rips up privacy protections for broadband punters

No need for ISPs to tell you what info they're slurping up

UK cops can keep millions of mugshots of innocent folks on file

You can ask to be removed, but it's up to officers to listen, Home Office cheerfully concludes

NSA snoops told: Get your checkbooks and pens ready for a cyber-weapon shopping spree

US Cyber Command boss lays out plans for next decade

Engineer who blew lid on Uber's toxic sexist culture now menaced by creepy 'smear campaign'

Who could possibly have a grudge against Susan Fowler?

Don't worry about Privacy Shield, it's fine. Really. I promise, says US trade watchdog head

It's not fine

Toxic Uber sued after driver allegedly tried to rape passenger in car

Taxi app maker liable because its cabbies are interchangeable with robots, lawsuit claims

Pai, Pai, Mr American spy: FCC supremo rips up privacy protections for broadband punters

No need for ISPs to tell you what info they're slurping up

Red Hat’s Jen Krieger joins Continuous Lifecycle lineup as keynoter

Events Clock is ticking on early bird tickets

Surveillance software boss thrown in the clink for cooking the books

Comverse CEO Kobi sent down for a record 2.5 years after back-dating stock options

Finally proof that Apple copies Samsung: iPhone 7 Plus halts, catches fire like a Galaxy Note 7

Vid Teen's shock as Jesus mobe turns into hottest tech

Brocade SAN sales butchered by hyper-converged upstarts

Fibre Channel revenues flag as Broadcom acquisition spooks IP network buyers

Mysterious Gmail account lockouts prompt hack fears

Updated Something happening here, what it is ain't exactly clear

Artificial intelligence 'will save wearables'!

Can you hearable me?

Microsoft offers Dynamics 365 data-sucking stoppage

Cloud CRM with cloud synchronisation turned OFF

Symbolic IO reveals tech bound to give server old guard the willies

Analysis The new Ferrari of the storage world

Alert! The dastardly Dutch are sailing a 90-ship fleet at Blighty

We'll have no repeat of 1667, ye lubberly scallywags!

Oh, irony of ironies: Gov.UK's transparency report reveals... nothing

Windows of volcanic glass

New UK laws address driverless cars insurance and liability

'Automated' vehicles – who pays for damage?

Bring it BACK... with MODs! Psion 5 storms great tech revival poll

The AA-powered, pocket-sized touch daddy

Facebook scoffed at $500m damages. Now Oculus faces nerd goggles injunction

Nice one, Sheryl

Visit banter.com. More like International BANTS Machines, amirite?

Top bants, guys. Archbishop of Banterbury-tier stuff

BOFH: Elf of Safety? Orc of Admin. Pleased to meet you

Episode 2 Come right this way. The PFY doesn't bite... that hard

BT, Ericsson square up to Arqiva, Samsung over 5G arms race

Let the hype wars commence

I want it hot and wet – preferably with Wi-Fi

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Put the bamboo down and step back

Can you fly with the Vultures? The Reg news desk is hiring

Experienced reporter wanted

Omg, that is, like, sooo 2007... Retromania set to grip this year's MWC

Analysis Can Nokia and BlackBerry save us from this 'turgid sea of sameness'?

Is your AI being handed to you by Google? Try Apache open source – Amazon's AWS did

Open Source Insider 'Community' can buy what money can't

Your future boss? An employee-interrogating bot – it's an open-source gift from Dropbox

Did you mean to type "rm -rf /" or should we be concerned?

Sysadmin's sole client was his wife – and she queried his bill

On-Call It all ends in beers after marital bliss and commercial reality collide

Google to annihilate online trolling with ... tra-la-la! Machine! Learning!

God, is there nothing artificial intelligence can't master? We all know you love it so much

The final 5G technical performance specs have been set

This ain't over yet by a long shot - ratification roadmap stretches to 2020

For telcos and enterprise vendors, MWC 2017 will be an Edge/Fog/SDN/NFV-fest

Compute and storage is coming out of the core and into the light

Swedish politician wants weekly hour of paid sex. For exercise

Workers told to get on the job while on the job, to boost local population

Motorola's modular Moto Z: A fine phone for a weekend away

Hands-on And grand for everyday use, but the modules just don't excite

South Korea targeted by cyberspies (again). Kim, got something to say?

Vulnerabilities in Hangul word processing program exploited

FCC lops off red tape around small US ISPs, y'know, things like having to own up about connection speeds

And hidden fees and pricing

Cloudbleed: Big web brands leaked crypto keys, personal secrets thanks to Cloudflare bug

Heartbleed-style classic buffer overrun blunder strikes in 2017

We want Waymo money from you! Uber sued for 'stealing self-driving car' blueprints from Alphabet

How could app maker's week get any worse? Glad you asked

HPE CEO Whitman says everything's 'on the right track' as sales are literally decimated

And more than half the biz working overseas on the cheap

How to nuke websites you don't like: Slam Google with millions of bogus DMCA takedowns

Analysis Copyright allegations wreck search rankings

Amazon goes to court to stop US murder cops turning Echoes into Big Brother house spies

'Alexa, am I being murdered?'

MIT goes down to the wire: Brain cable pipes electricity, chemicals, light straight into minds

Polymer highway into the head promises easier neurological monitoring

I was authorized to trash my employer's network, sysadmin tells court

Michael Thomas' appeal will send shockwaves through IT industry if successful

US 'security' biz trio Sentinel Labs, Vir2us, SpyChatter accused of lying about certification

Watchdog forces them to drop claims of privacy protections

People built AI bots to improve Wikipedia. Then they started squabbling in petty edit wars, sigh

Analysis Most argued articles include Pervez Musharraf, Niels Bohr and Schwarzenegger

'First ever' SHA-1 hash collision calculated. All it took were five clever brains... and 6,610 years of processor time

Tired old algo underpinning online security must die now

Brit lords slip 30Mbps Universal Service Obligation into UK Digital Economy Bill

Eleventh-hour amendment, but will it stick with government?

Ad men hope blocking has stalled as sites guilt users into switching off

How many swallows do you need for a summer? One will do

Ex-employees sued for £15m over data slurpage ordered to pay up just £2

Brit firm 'missed the jackpot', says High Court judge

KCL external review blames whole IT team for mega-outage, leaves managers unshamed

Exclusive And the Oscar for the best story about why you have recovery tests goes to...

Managed file transfer peeps Axway gobble sharetakers Syncplicity

Creating 'a one-stop shop for digital shared services'

Elon Musk promises Tesla investors Trump won't send him to Mars

I expect to remain with Tesla forever... and ever, and ever

Become a blockchain-secured space farmer with your hard drive

Google Ventures-backed Storj Labs makes its pitch

O2 daddy Telefónica reports 12.5% drop in UK sales

Blames it on weak pound

IBM: Voluntary redundo offer? Ticked. Min stat terms? Ticked

Exclusive But at least TSS staffers won't have to get career advice from Capita this time

Deutsche Telekom hack suspect arrested at London airport

Cops probing Mirai telco takedown

More brilliant Internet of Things gadgetry: A £1,300 mousetrap

Rentokil man tells BBC it calls them automagically, so that clearly explains the price

Alleged $17.5m fraudster accused of duping HPE out of 42,000 servers

Peter Sage was playing the old grey reseller game, claims US tech monster

OK, hyperconverged is the new black. But who's winning at it?

Well... not Microsoft, Cisco or HPE, according to a consultant

Your IDE won't change, but YOU will: HELLO! Machine learning

Sorry, Dave. I can’t do that – without an appropriate multi-GPU framework or Python library

Different judge, different verdict? Diageo's £54m SAP legal slap could have gone another way

Ambiguous contract language didn't guarantee outcome

BBC admits iPlayer downloads are broken

Updated We're working on it

Tosh doubles 64-layer 3D flash chip capacity with a bit of TLC

1TB chip incoming

Oh UK. You won't switch mobile providers. And now look at you! £5.8bn you've lost

Stop. We don't want to hear it, mutters uSwitch

From drugs to galaxy hunting, AI is elbowing its way into boffins' labs

Feature Machine learning is cropping up more and more in research papers – does it work?

Intel scales Atom to 16 cores, updates Xeon SoCs

The 5G internet of virtualized networked things is calling and Chipzilla wants to be ready

Microsoft catches up to Valentine's Day Flash flaw massacre

Critical update deals with five ways to do remote code execution on Windows

Fitbit hit on Pebble kit cost just 20 million quid? Oh s**t!

Wearables giant finally reveals cost of gobbling up and killing off rival hardware

Boffins exfiltrate data by blinking hard drives' LEDs

Malware? Check. Camera? Check. Let's go sniff passwords

HP Ink says ink sales are down but PC sales are up, up, up!

No, you're not reading that wrong: PCs are selling better than since the XP upgrade rush

Arris slaps down US$800m to buy Brocade's wireless bits

Broadcom waves farewell to what used to be Ruckus and the ICX switch business

The last time El Reg covered IBM Domino we used a chisel

Upstart Sapho gives Notes' heir the 'kids want all software to be a Facebook clone' treatment

Linux kernel gets patch for 11-year-old local-root-hole security bug

DCCP code cockup lay unnoticed since 2005

Firefox certificate cache leaks user information

Mozilla devs debate whether this is a bug or a feature

Radioactive leak riddle: Now Team America sniffs Europe's skies for iodine isotope source

Readings raise fears of nuke, probably a boring factory fumble

US judge halts mass fingerprint harvesting by cops to unlock iPhones

Analysis Uncle Sam's vaguely worded raid warrant knocked down by the Constitution

LTE-U R gd 2 go: FCC gives unlicensed spectrum its coat, pushes it out the door

First devices cleared for sale as chip biz, carriers rejoice

LOST IN SPAAAAAACE! SpaceX aborts Space Station podule berthing

Navigational computer blunder halts cargo capsule hook-up

Get this: Tech industry thinks journos are too mean. TOO MEAN?!

Think tank is upset not every hack is spewing marketing spiel (it's just most of them)

Pack your bags! NASA spots SEVEN nearby Earth-sized alien worlds

Pics and video It's a Trap...pist mini solar system 44 million years away by jet plane

Blundering Boeing bod blabbed spreadsheet of 36,000 coworkers' personal details in email

Its own security software could have stopped data exposure

Ah, the Raspberry Pi 3. So much love. So much power ... So turn it into a Windows thin client

NComputing packages up ARM PC into RX300 box

Talk about a slow pour: Oracle now brewing late Java EE 8 for July 2017

You could set your watch to it ... but best not

Facebook scales back AI flagship after chatbots hit 70% f-AI-lure rate

'The limitations of automation'

Oracle crushes Apiary's hope in slightly awkward email to customers

We OWN you, WE review the products, WE say what stays

Privacy concerns over gaps in eBay crypto

HTTP still being used

IBM to UK staff: Get ready for another game of musical chairs

Exclusive Redundancy axes loom over Global Tech Services workers

Highway to HBLL: The missing link between DRAM and L3 found

Chipzilla gets in on Last Level Cache design

Booming Android ad revenue shows it’s no longer the poor cousin

Mobile ad boom favours the happy app

Infosec firm NCC Group launches review over crap financials

Misses full-year forecast by, oh, only 20 per cent

London Internet Exchange members vote no to constitution tweak

Peering peers reject proposed rules on keeping quiet about secret govt gagging orders

L'Internet des objets: French firm Sigfox inks deal with Telefonica

World + dog can buy licensed spectrum IoT connectivity

How Google Spanner's easing our distributed SQL database woes

Storage Architect No scaling limit? Do go on

'Leaky' LG returns to sanity for 2017 flagship

Opportunity knocks ahead of G6 unveiling

Smart Hosting offers up service credit in bid to hang on to clients

Pint-sized outfit which couldn't handle support tickets gives out £10 vouchers

Clone it? Sure. Beat it? Maybe. Why not build your own AWS?

Anything Bezos can do, you can do better, right?

Speaking in Tech: Taxing robot labour for benefit glorious taxpayer

Podcast Bill Gates, Microsoft, pay-per-use... this is sounding familiar

Hopping the flash stepping stones to DIMM future

Analysis How levels, layers, stacks and DIMMS are boosting speeds

Neuromorphic progress: And we for one welcome our new single artificial synapse overlords

August 4th, er, February 20th, 2017: Simple cyber-brain goes online

Netflix treats security ills with Stethoscope: Open-source self-probing tool

Software scrutinizes device defenses, is better than just yelling IT policies at staff

UPS & drones: Delivery company launches UAV from truck

Hopes to turn terrible triangles into more profitable routes

How's your online bank security looking? The Dutch studied theirs and... yeah, not great

Just six per cent of banks using DNSSEC on domains

DomainMonster mash: Hundreds of websites vandalized after Brit web host server hacked

Small biz wakes up to find online homes defaced

Gulp! Drones dodge spray from California's gaping moist glory hole

Vid + pics Spectators swallow hard as cloud seeds flow forth

Lenovo to build and run SAP's cloud in China

What China wants, China gets: A biz running a too-big-to-fail cloud

Cisco edits DNA for even softer switches

You know what they say. Follow the money

Google devs try to create new global namespace

Universal file sharing is hard because Services and CDNs scramble HTTP. Enter 'Upspin'

OpenStack Ocata announced – then briefly withheld

Can build clouds, can't schedule email announcing stabilization release

Talos opens box, three Aerospike vulns fly out

NoSQL server, but a big unhappy Yes to the question of security worries

Cancel your cloud panic: At $122bn it's just 5% of all IT spend

*aaS-es are, however, fattening faster than any other segment of the market

Researchers offer simple scheme to stop the next Stuxnet

Don't get rung out about planting bugs in ladder logic: they should be easy to spot

Dying for Windows 10 Creators Update? But wait, there's more!

Microsoft roadmap lays out second big update for 2017

US Homeland Security is so secure even its own staff can't log in

Nothing like a post-holiday IT cockup

Big Blue's big blunder: IBM accidentally hands over root access to its data science servers

Private Docker Swarm keys leak into public containers

Google rents out Nvidia Tesla GPUs in its cloud. If you ask nicely, that'll be 70 cents an hour, bud

AWS, GCE price war looming?

Amid new push to make Pluto a planet again... Get over it, ice-world's assassin tells El Reg

Boffins demand rule rewrite to restore glorified moon's dignity

'Hey, Homeland Security. Don't you dare demand Twitter, Facebook passwords at the border'

Civil liberty groups, security experts, law profs, lawmakers slam looming US policy

Meet the chap open-sourcing US govt code – Paul, an ex-Microsoft anti-piracy engineer

Interview Starting with literally piles of crap (no, not the code)

Your next PC is… your 'Droid? Remix unveils Continuum-killer

One device for the next billion, Jide hopes

Tosh in deeper financial doo-doo as banks crank up the pressure

Push for majority stake sale in memory business

These snapshots are Purely Cohesity

Backup data streams and now snapshots flash between firms

Hacking group RTM able to divert bulk financial transfers with malware

Attacks of great concern to Russian financial institutions

$350m! shaved! off! sale! price! as! Verizon! swallows! Yahoo!

$4.48bn... cheap! (apols to Alfred E Neuman)

Big data should be 'part of UK's core national infrastructure' – Civil Service chief exec

There's an app that maps public toilets – how could it not be core infrastructure?

Kubernetes and Prometheus flesh out CLL deep dive lineup

Take your pick of our six workshops

Capita swallows £50m blow after writing down historic contracts

A fabulous start to the year!

EE unveils sky domination plans with drones, balloons

Plus emergency response vehicles for ESN backup

TeamSpy hackers get the crew back together after four-year hiatus

Updated Remote-control app hijacked for use as snooping tool – again

ARM embraces Brit and Swedish upstarts in Softbank NB-IoT push

And they've already got an integrated modem to show for it

EU privacy gurus peer at Windows 10, still don't like what they see

Article 29 has 'concerns' about Microsoft's data slurp

Suffering ceepie-geepies! Do we need a new processor architecture?

Backgrounder Well... if machines're gonna learn learn learn learn learn...

Automated, insight cannot be: Jedi master of statistics was good – but beware the daft side

Hans Rosling is gone, but dashboards and graphs are dangerous to knowledge

NASA extends trial of steerable robo-stunt kite parachute

Why chase balloons for hundreds of miles when you can drop the payload outside?

Mulesoft set to be first tech IPO of 2017? We'd forgotten they existed...

Just over $180m in revenue, it turns out... and gross profit of $138m!? Oh, net loss though...

Apple to Europe: It's our job to design Ireland's tax system, not yours

Cupertino says no

European Space Agency slaps CC licences on its pics and vids

Space. The Final Frontier (for copyright). These are the free images and videos of the ESA

Uber hires Obama's attorney-general to review its workplaces

CEO Travis Kalanick uses alternative diversity facts to prove Uber's goodness

Drop the F-bomb, get your coding typos auto-corrected

Git, Bad, Ugly El Reg surveys fun stuff that's popped up on GitHub and beyond

You're doing Hadoop and Spark wrong and they will probably fail

Developers want the new shiny, users forget integration and then along come the vendors ...

Java and Python have unpatched firewall-crossing FTP SNAFU

This gets interesting when you find your way into a mail server, says dev who found it

Intel reveals Optane will need a 7th-gen core and a PC-centric launch

You're going to need a whole lot of Intel Inside to make this work

BS Detection 101 becomes actual University subject

Uni of Washington says the age of Big Data makes statistical literacy essential

NZ High Court rules US can extradite Kim Dotcom after all

Kimble's running out of road

Is your child a hacker? Liverpudlian parents get warning signs checklist

Do they use 'the language of hacking', including referring to themselves as a 'hacker'?

The stunted physical SAN market – Dell man gives Wikibon forecasts his blessing

Analysis Shrinking before hyperconverged/converged

Ditching your call centre for an app? Be careful not to get SAP-slapped

'Indirect' licence court victory – but at what cost?

Beeps, roots and leaves: Car-controlling Android apps create theft risk

Haven't named and shamed car-makers though

'At least I can walk away with my dignity' – Streetmap founder after Google lawsuit loss

Interview Kate Sutton talks to El Reg about search and maps

Surprise! HPE says nothing about ProLiant server hardware for SimpliVity OmniCubes

Analysis HCIA startup denied the full makeover for now

BT and Virgin Media claim 'broadband' tax will cost £1.3bn

Valuation Office Agency needs to revaluate its revaluation

UnBrex-pected move: Amazon raises UK workforce to 24,000

Company didn't confirm whether majority to go to AWS or work, er, warehouse

Google agrees to break pirates' domination over music searches

UK.gov tells search engines to demote dodgy websites or face legislation