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Terminator head

SoftBank-Saudi fund raises world's biggest tech pot at $93bn

AI, robotics fund definitely won't trigger the singularity *twitch*

Young robot studying photo via Shutterstock

Has AI gone too far? DeepTingle turns El Reg news into terrible erotica

NSFW Some like it bot... but Jilly Cooper, this machine-learning software is not

Project Gollum: Because NHS Caring means NHS Sharing

¡Bong! How we will save the NHS from cyber-ransom

O2 will be carrying out UK IoT connectivity trials later this year

Exclusive Internet of Things arrives at British telco

Shocked couple scream and clutch their hair

Netgear 'fixes' router by adding phone-home features that record your IP and MAC address

Yeah, that'll be secure for sure

7 NSA hack tool wielding follow-up worm oozes onto scene: Hello, no need for any phish!

Why can't you be like a cheerful HHGTTG dolphin overlord?

Pioneer Kodi plug-in unplugs

Too risky, too spammy, too smutty, say devs

Quick, better lock down that CISO role. Salaries have apparently hit €1m

Thanks WannaCrypt... Hey, about our new security budget. Oh, you've cut it

Ford to replace CEO with connected car division boss – reports

Share price slump sees a certain door opening early

Uncle Sam drags feet on govt data center cull

Not enough agencies tightening their belts, say auditors

SoftBank-Saudi fund raises world's biggest tech pot at $93bn

AI, robotics fund definitely won't trigger the singularity *twitch*

O2 will be carrying out UK IoT connectivity trials later this year

Exclusive Internet of Things arrives at British telco

Ding-ding-ding. Round 2 of Toshiba Memory biz bid fight. Where the heck is WDC?

+Comment 4 fighters in the ring... but Western Dig could still jump in

No nudity please, we're killing ourselves: Advice to Facebook mods leaks

What's allowed and what isn't

Project Gollum: Because NHS Caring means NHS Sharing

¡Bong! How we will save the NHS from cyber-ransom

Rubrik CEO: It's a passion project, not a hobby and not a 'job'

Profile Bipul Sinha and the Indian ex-pat tech CEO's club

GitHub throws open doors on 'app' souk

Online store will try to make developer tools work better for businesses

Huawei Honor 8 Pro: Makes iPhone 7 Plus look a bit crap

Review And it's under £500...

Parallel programming masterclass with compsci maven online

HPC Blog Dr Panda's recent Swiss presentation free to view

The eternal battle for OpenStack's soul will conclude in three years. Again

Comment Beyond cars, toasters and American Gods

Constellations and MIMO to take fibre to a future beyond the terabit

Interview Nokia Bell Labs' Dr Laurent Schmalen explains how networks can find a new gear

Cloud giants 'ran out' of fast GPUs for AI boffins

Capacity droughts hit just before conference paper deadlines, say researchers

Telecoms fail in UK takes down passport scanners in Australia

Updated Airport chaos as check-in counters revert to archaic manual processes

Code-thief pleads guilty to pinching file system to sell to China

DoJ isn't naming names but this was probably an attempt to lift IBM's GPFS

NASA duo plan Tuesday ISS spacewalk to replace the mux that sux

All hail Peggy Whitson, hands-on sysadmin – IN SPAAACE

Public Cloud makes it to Africa for the first time

Microsoft plants a flag before Google, AWS and IBM

Has AI gone too far? DeepTingle turns El Reg news into terrible erotica

NSFW Some like it bot... but Jilly Cooper, this machine-learning software is not

Hi! I’m Foxy! It looks like you want to run Flash. Do you need help?

Firefox 55 to get all up in your face if a web page needs Adobe's hell-spawn

Japan (lightly) regulates high-frequency algorithmic trading

It's more than half of the Tokyo Stock Exchange, but just who's doing what is hard to say

Google cloud glitch hits at Beer O'Clock Friday, fix coming Monday

POLL Cloud SQL backups being 'forced' instead of automated for 60 hours or more

Yahoo! retires! bleeding! ImageMagick! to! kill! 0-day! vulnerability!

Purple Palace pays researcher US$778 bounty per byte

Netgear 'fixes' router by adding phone-home features that record your IP and MAC address

Yeah, that'll be secure for sure

Horse named 'Cloud Computing' finds burst of speed to beat 'Classic Empire' in actual race

We can't make this stuff up: Triple Crown race 'Preakness Stakes' goes to cloudy outsider

Wannacry: Everything you still need to know because there were so many unanswered Qs

Vid How it first spread, Win XP wasn't actually hit, and more

LastPass now supports 2FA auth, completely undermines 2FA auth

Just keep putting those eggs in the one basket, friends

Cook fights for life after Google summit blaze

Google I/O Don't worry, no programmers were harmed, says web ads giant

Wow, someone managed to make money on Fitbit stock – oh, 'fraudulently'

Bloke accused of setting up bogus share-trading biz in pump-and-dump scam

Why Uber threw top engineer Levandowski under self-driving bus

Analysis The judge told us to tell you to cough up or ship out

America's drone owner database grounded: FAA rules blown out of sky

And how about that $3m in registration fees, hm?

Wondering why the office is so productive? Yep, Twitter's knackered

Meanwhile, Vine may have leaked your email, phone number – oops

After stiffing us with Trump, Weiner 'fesses to underage cock shot rot

'I have a sickness,' former politician notices while facing two years in chokey

Formation Data Systems? More like formatted data systems: Upstart shuts down

Ambitious storage startup halts after setting fire to cash

Comodo database glitch causes billing problems

Updated Enter the snag-dragon

They grow up so fast! Veeam Availability Suite reaches the tenth grade

Now run along and play with your new friends

Biz overlords need to give a stuff about what they're told by IT crowd

Data breaches smack bottom line, cautions survey

Who loves tapas? Of course you do. What about storage tapas?

Well, here are some plates full of bite-sized news anyway

Dell kills botched BIOS update that murdered punters' PCs

'Call our tech support... have you tried turning it on and off again?'

Crooks use WannaCrypt hysteria as hook for BT-branded phishing emails

Confusingly, ISPs are also sending out genuine warnings

Blighty's buying another 17 F-35s, confirms the American government

All F-35Bs for the Navy – but, oddly, isn't set in stone

Ur dumped lol: Folk may be able to leave mobile contracts via text

It's not me, it's you. Ofcom proposes new switching regime

Huawei spied, US federal jury finds

Tappy the robot is a Happy robot

London City airport swaps control tower for digital cameras

Augmented reality drone detection, all the way from Hampshire

WannaCrypt: Roots, reasons and why scramble patching won't save you now

Watch your backup

What's 'amazing', cloudy and splattered in red ink? It's quarterly Salesforce results time

Sales bounce by a quarter for Q1... oh the vanity

Man sues date for cinema texting fiasco, demands $17.31

'Defendant’s behaviour is a threat to civilised society', claims Texan

Broadcom bid for Toshiba Memory Business – report

Bain and KKR also get stuck into Tosh flash biz sale

‪There's a ransom-free fix for WannaCry‬pt. Oh snap, you've rebooted your XP box

Sooo... that's not gonna work for you mate

DXC Technology looks to lighten the payroll six weeks after launch

Normal service resumes for trigger-happy CSC and HPE Ent Services

Dell EMC man: Hyperconverged is love, hyperconverged is life, but won't kill SAN yet

Analysis Hold the forklift, Chad Sakac tells El Reg

Julian Assange wins at hide-and-seek game against Sweden

Updated Probe suspended after prosecutors tire of waiting for Wikileaks boss to come out

Bye bye MP3: You sucked the life out of music. But vinyl is just as warped

Something for the Weekend, Sir? You scratch mine, I'll scratch yours

IBM CEO Ginni flouts £75 travel crackdown, rides Big Blue chopper

Hursley R&D team do their part to entertain Rometty

Kill Google AMP before it KILLS the web

Open source insider Trust, independence, credibility – we've heard of those

Faking incontinence and other ways to scare off tech support scammers

ON-CALL Fleshy VMs, voices in your head and asking what the scammer is wearing also work

Plutus Payroll clients and staff fell for plausible business model fairy tales

Free payroll service claimed to make money with commissions and short term loans

And finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin hologram ... Sir, it is only wafer thin

'World’s thinnest hologram' touted by boffins

You'll get a kick out of this: Qualcomm patents the 'Internet of Shoes'

Web-connected sneakers? We imagine a lot of sole searching when/if these get hacked

Phishing scum going legit to beat browser warnings

Now that Chrome and Firefox call out HTTP, phisherpholk are getting certified

Mi casa es su casa: Ubuntu bug makes 'guests' anything but

Overly accommodating Linux distro can't enforce access policy

Windows Server's footprint shrunk to reduce Azure bills

On-prem rules say Windows Server barely runs in 32 GB, but cloud is another matter

What is dead may never die: a new version of OS/2 just arrived

Game of Clones: ArcaOS 5.0 promises to pick up where OS/2 4.51 and eComStation left off

White House sicko sent down for 20 years after sexting underage girls

No, not who you're thinking of. Sad!

Google offers devs fat bribes, hopes to lure them to its Home

Google I/O Race against Amazon demands rapid iteration, and cash

Don't gripe if you hand your PC to Geek Squad and they rat you out to the Feds – judge

But FBI blunder may let alleged pedo walk free from court

Let's sum up Google's VR strategy so far: Making life less crap for a lonely 20-something

Google I/O Eyeball-chasing ad giant literally traps your eyeballs

Wonky whitelist update blamed for AT&T's nationwide 911 blackout

FCC report finds lessons, mentions no fines as yet

Proposed PATCH Act forces US snoops to quit hoarding code exploits

Bipartisan bill wants to stave off another WannaCry

40,000-plus AT&T staff threaten to strike Friday

CWA says members in 36 states prepping for stoppage

We're heading back… to the future! Net neutrality rules on chopping block

FCC parties like it's 1996

Windows 10: Triumphs and tragedies from Microsoft Build

Redmond's OS needs to be cool for consumers, but its best chances are with business

Three home security systems found to be vulnerable – if hackers were hiding in bushes

Pointblank weaknesses have since been patched

AI smut-finder is now an Android app

Melondream devs seek investors

ZX Spectrum reboot firm slapped with £52k court costs repayment order

'We had no option' claims former director

UK Tory party pledges 'digital' charter, wants Verify to back online gov

We read the manifesto so you don’t have to…

Guess who's getting fat off DRAM shortages? Yep, the DRAM makers

Samsung, SK Hynix and Micron burp as PC memory prices jump 30 per cent

Banking association calls for end of 'screen-scraping'

Fintech firms not that thrilled about the idea

The real battle of Android's future – who controls the updates

Analysis Google shows its hand

ICO probes use of data analytics by politicos following Brexit vote

Parties warned to follow rules ahead of General Election

Cisco's servers are stuck in limbo, look likely to stay there

Comment Sales suffering – should it quit the market?

UK.gov plans to overhaul £6bn in big IT deals 'watered down'

Brexit and loss of oversight casts doubt on reform agenda – sources

No laptop ban on Euro flights to US... yet

Pilots: Um, you want all those lithium batteries in the hold?

EC fines Facebook €110m for 'misleading' data on WhatsApp deal

'Errors' in 2014 filings 'not intentional', apparently

Sorry Google, it's boring old workloads that are pumping up AWS and Azure, not sexy AI

Comment Spend big or go home

Great Ormond Street children's hospital still offline after WannaCrypt omnishambles

Updated Precautionary disconnect – patients still being looked after

Dell BIOS update borks PCs

Motherboard say what?

Hyperscale data centres win between their ears, not on the racks

Operating at scale is easy. Changing culture to accept and cope with failure is harder

Self-driving car devs face 6-month backlog on vital $85,000 LIDAR kit

Analysis So you wanna build a robo-ride? Start saving up, get a ticket, get in line

Nukes tests caused space weather, say NASA boffins

Artificial Van Allen belts, auroras, geomagnetic storms, just another day in the Cold War

Bloke charged under UK terror law for refusing to cough up passwords

First they came for the activists and I did nothing…

Azure users told they're not WannaCrypt-proof

Microsoft advises how to harden cloudy Windows, cos it runs a cloud not your OS

Chelsea Manning leaves prison, heads straight for booze and pizza

Julian Assange tweets his delight, but nothing on his promise to visit the USA

HP Inc wireless mouse can be spoofed

By our reckoning this means a mouse could let a RAT into your computer

Cisco to fire another 1,100 after sixth straight revenue fall

Trumpian chaos and router collapse clip Switchzilla's wings, again

Payroll-for-contractors company named at centre of AU$165m tax scam scheme

Plutus Payroll's owners arrested, aircraft seized, tax office suspends senior staff … and tech contractors sweat

You think your day was bad? OS X malware hackers just swiped a Mac dev's app source

Appropriately named Panic has its repository raided after founder gets infected

Sick of Java and C++? Google pours a cup o' Kotlin for Android devs

Compatible with 'droid libraries, statically typed language is leaner and safer

Gotcha, Tatcha! Thieves hide in servers to hoover up victims' bank card numbers mid-order

Beauty website suffers ugly IT security breach

We're calling it now: FCC votes 2-1 to rip up net neutrality on Thurs

Analysis Biggest issue may be Partisan Pai and his Trump-like behavior

Like a celeb going bonkers with botox, Google injects 'AI' into anything it can

Google I/O Ads giant flashes TPU 2 machine-learning ASIC

Backup crack-up: Fasthosts locks people out of data storage for days amid WCry panic

Windows Server 2k3 kit yanked, replacement slow to arrive

US court decision will destroy the internet, roar Google, Facebook et al

Effort to redraw online copyright rules receives furious response

'The last thing I want is a software dev taking control of my craft'

Oi, Amazon. Still think you're going to do domestic drone deliveries?

Why being late isn't fatal for Samsung Pay

It's all to play for

Taking a bite out of our profit, Apple? Let's get legal, says Qualcomm

Files complaint over claims contract makers withholding license payments

Posting in an EPYC thread: AMD renames Xeon-bashing Naples

Data centre CPU boasts more cores, IO, memory bandwidth than Intel's

HGST paints go-faster stripes on Ultrastar flash drive range

The SS300 comes in 2bits/cell and 3bits/cell variants

Ransomware fear-flinger Uiwix fails to light

Stand down, folks. Back to Defcon none

Flash funds: Micron to rain cash on Excelero – sources

SolidScale software supplier gets closer relationship with up-the-stack moving MIcron

Made for each other! IBM awarded $700m outsourcing gig to cut costs at transport giant

If you want to slash overheads, you're learning from the best

Samsung Galaxy S8+: Seriously. What were they thinking?

Review Mr Slurpy lives next door

Police anti-ransomware warning is hotlinked to 'ransomware.pdf'

This (probably) isn't a spear phishing attack but we were too afraid to verify

Leeds cops issue appeal for man-sized todger

Pricking your memory, anyone?

Britain shouldn't turn its back on EU drone regs, warns aerospace boffin

That is if you ever want to sell or use UK-certified kit abroad

Coming Xeon 'scalable' family will run SAP HANA '1.6 times faster'

Optane persistent memory support from Cascade Lake Xeon SPs in 2018

Yo, patch that because scum still wanna exploit WannaCrypt-linked vuln

Significant number of devices continue to expose Windows SMB on port 445

ICO fines telco £100k for 3.2m mobile phone text spamhammer

Over 1k complain about free tablets, smartwatches wheeze

Travel IT biz reportedly testing 100TB SSDs

I need to take a cold shower

Speaking in Tech: WTH is NVMe? Basically it just makes things go a bit quicker

Podcast Plus: Is America anti-innovation?

Management's agile, digital (insert buzzword here) strategy ossifying? Blame the Red Queen

Young servers, old servers, no middle-aged servers

Newbies Komprise hope to krush data sprawl

Analysis By reinventing ILM, HSM and file data management

Flying robots are great... until they meet flying humans, anyway

Drone traffic management, or 'how to regulate the skies'

SAP puts its heads in multiple clouds

Google, Azure and AWS all on board, the latter in a VMware-like managed service

Robot lands a 737 by hand, on a dare from DARPA

Building a bot for the co-pilot's seat may be cheaper than adding automation software

Train station's giant screens showed web smut at peak hour

The 17:21 to Happy Town is going in and out and is aaah-aah-bout to finish its journey

Clouds' crazy kinks can spin your wheels and lead you to mistakes

You're not helping by allowing server sprawl and ignoring backup, though

IoT needs security, says Microsoft without even a small trace of irony

Sysadmins, don't hurt your necks shaking your heads

Azure becomes double DaaS-aster zone as VMware loads up

Microsoft's weird DaaS licensing melts away when it has a sniff of Azure usage

Chrome on Windows has credential theft bug

.SCF files present ID, password to fetch icons for attack file

Cray dips toe in supercomputing-as-a-service

Gene research a test market for cloudy graph engine

Cisco warns: Some products might have WannaCrypt vuln

To other vendors using embedded Windows: where are your warnings and patches?

US judges say you can Google Google, but you can't google Google

The Chocolate Factory is spared the aspirin treatment by the 9th District Court

Pay attention. We're only going to show you this once: OpenAI coaches robots to copy humans

Droids given 'one shot' lessons to stack blocks

Virtual reality upstart UploadVR allegedly had in-house 'kink room,' drugs, rampant sexism

Updated Post-Uber, more claims of tech bros gone wild

Bell Canada hacked: 2m account details swiped by mystery miscreants

Don't worry, no bank card info taken, eh

What could go wrong? Delta to use facial recog to automate bag drop-off

Just make sure you still resemble your passport photo

ZeniMax: Thanks for the $500m, Oculus. How about you, Samsung?

Sueball-slinging biz kicks off new VR tech legal assault

French fling fun-sized fine at Facebook for freakin' following folk

And it's going to get a whole lot worse for Zuckerberg and pals

Security shield slingers are loving Prez Trump's cybersecurity order

Meanwhile, Fed heads have their work cut out for them

Traditional array all-flash retrofits knock XtremIO off top sales rung

Comment Dell EMC has four AFAs now...

Realm opens up to Windows apps

Better late than never

WannaCrypt 'may be the work of North Korea' theory floated

Lazarus rising again... or not

Microsoft Azure almost doubles infrastructure cloud market presence

Familiarity – and dual-cloud strategies – breeds growth

Cryptocurrency miner found armed with same exploits as WannaCrypt

Adylkuzz predates ransomware by at least a week – and pays better too

Do we need Windows patch legislation?

Poll Should vendors be obliged to maintain ageing, unsafe PCs?

HPE Labs manufactures monster memory Machine system

ARM-powered, 40-node prototype

Vodafone loses €6bn mainly due to Indian biz writeoff

UK market remains particularly poor performer

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