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Official gag photo via Shutterstock

UK Snoopers' Charter gagging order drafted for London Internet Exchange directors

Exclusive Rushed proposal opens rift in internet giants' club

Huge if true: iPhone 8 will feature 3D selfies, rodent defibrillator

Set aside rational thought, it's Apple click-click story time

A Royal Navy Lynx Wildcat helicopter. Crown copyright

New Royal Navy Wildcat helicopters can't transmit vital data

Crews have to land and move tactical info around via USB sticks. No, really

Installing disks is basically LEGO, right? This admin failed LEGO

On-Call This bit goes here, this bit goes there and - huh! - why aren't the lights blinking?

My Friend Cayla and i-Que robot

Smash up your kid's Bluetooth-connected Cayla 'surveillance' doll, Germany urges parents

Or switch it off, bin it, bury it, whatever's necessary

Connected car in the second-hand lot? Don't buy it if you're not hack-savvy

The first owner might still have access. And the second. And so on

Deloitte goes all 😍😍😍 for SAP HANA on AWS

2,500 suits to be flung off bench to preach ERP on cloud

Oh happy day! Linus Torvalds has given the world Linux 4.10

Complete with faster disk reads, support for more CPUs and the usual grab bag of goodness

Big three clouds, Apple, Facebook are buying all the best cloud tech

Tip for entrepreneurs: World could soon need automated cloud-sueball-flinger

In colossal shock, Uber alleged to be wretched hive of sexism, craven managerial ass-covering

UPDATED Uber CEO orders investigation into tribulations of engineer Susan Fowler

Google bellows bug news after Microsoft sails past fix deadline

Mess in Windows graphics library can give bad hombres access to memory

Continuous Lifecycle London: More workshops, more speakers

Join us in London this May to talk DevOps, CD, containers and more

SpaceX blasts back into the rocket trucking business

And then sticks the landing for good measure after pausing a day for hydraulic glitch

Florida Man jailed for 4 years after raking in a million bucks from spam

Miscreant used stolen email accounts to cram crap into inboxes

Jun-OH-NO! NASA's Jupiter probe in busted helium-valve drama

Science lab stuck on 53-day orbit, unable to catch a closer glimpse of alien gas world

Paper factory fired its sysadmin. He returned via VPN and caused $1m in damage. Now jailed

34-month sentence and he has to pay his old bosses back

BlackBerry sued by hundreds of staffers 'fooled' into quitting

And it's suing Nokia for patent infringement on wireless comms

Probe President Trump and his crappy Samsung Twitter-o-phone, demand angry congressfolk

The Galaxy S3 is real but is its security FAKE NEWS?

Huge if true: iPhone 8 will feature 3D selfies, rodent defibrillator

Set aside rational thought, it's Apple click-click story time

Smash up your kid's Bluetooth-connected Cayla 'surveillance' doll, Germany urges parents

Or switch it off, bin it, bury it, whatever's necessary

US account holders more likely to switch banks following fraud

More evidence that security = happy customers

Round-filed 'paperless' projects: Barriers remain to Blighty's Digital NHS

Report: It's not going to save money or anything. Plus we'll still need paper

UK Snoopers' Charter gagging order drafted for London Internet Exchange directors

Exclusive Rushed proposal opens rift in internet giants' club

Microsoft makes cheeky bid for MongoDB devs on Azure security grounds

Come and use DocumentDB, we've fired up Photoshop

Yee-haw! It's the Friday storage round-up

Getting those pesky ponies into that there corral, yessiree

Mystery deepens over Android spyware targeting Israeli soldiers

'Unlikely Hamas is responsible' – researchers

Nokia's 3310 revival – what's NEXT? Vote now

You loved it, they killed it: Now bring it back

New Royal Navy Wildcat helicopters can't transmit vital data

Crews have to land and move tactical info around via USB sticks. No, really

Hyperconverged market gets hyper-competitive as new riders enter field

Analysis But they'll be hard-pressed to catch Dell and Nutanix

Brit watchdog spanks Microsoft, Amazon, Apple into promising fairer cloud contracts

Smackdown on random hikes and service tweaks

Did Oracle just sign tape's death warrant? Depends what 'no comment' means

Big Red keeps schtum over the status of StreamLine

A webcam is not so much a leering eye as the barrel of a gun

Something for the Weekend, Sir? It wants to see me stripped

Errors in Australia's Centrelink debt recovery system were inevitable

... as in all complex systems

UK recruitment biz Coal Intelligent Technology ceases trading

Contractors and staff may be left out of pocket

Installing disks is basically LEGO, right? This admin failed LEGO

On-Call This bit goes here, this bit goes there and - huh! - why aren't the lights blinking?

Déjà vu: Euro Patent Office prez ignores yet another formal rebuke

King Battistelli tries to reconstitute Appeals Committee – staff union refuses

What does a complex AI model look like? Here's some Friday eye candy from UK biz Graphcore

Pics Vivid images of machine learning graph processing

'I'm innocent!' says IT contractor on trial after Office 365 bill row spiraled out of control

Bloke cuffed, charged after customer's subscription axed

FAKE BREWS: America rocked by 'craft beer' scandal allegations

Retail mega-giant accused in lawsuit of being lying IPA-holes

Dead cockroaches make excellent magnets – now what are we supposed to do with this info?

They'll stick notes to fridges in the aftermath of nuclear war?

Knock knock. Who's there? A Lenovo server salesperson, because revenue dip's no joke

PCs are going great, but enterprise and mobile divisions are in turnaround mode

Oracle's IoT play: Teach business apps and things to talk together

There's lots of things out there and Big Red wants to dig 'em out of silos and cloud 'em up

Samsung heir Lee Jae-yong cuffed in $40m corruption, perjury bust

Explosive news that, for once, doesn't involve a self-detonating battery

US visitors must hand over Twitter, Facebook handles by law – newbie Rep starts ball rolling

Rookie's bill targets visa applicants, may never happen

Zuckerberg thinks he's cyber-Jesus – and publishes a 6,000-word world-saving manifesto

Comment We took one for the team and deciphered it for you

HPE blames solid state drive failure for outages at Australian Tax Office

'Rare issue under a set of circumstances that have never previously been encountered'

Enterprise IT storage – where being fat and very dense is, um, a good thing. Right, Cloudian?

Cali upstart peddles 4U HyperStore 4000 box

Don’t panic over cyber-terrorism: Daesh-bags still at script kiddie level

RSA USA Medieval terror bastards not great at hacking says ex-top NSA lawyer

Google yanks workers from ISP outfit, it's THE FIBER COUNTDOWN

Will things ever be the same again?

Corpse of US anti-spying law unearthed, reanimated, pushed blinking into the sunlight

Bill reintroduced to crack down on location snooping

THE SCHMIDT HITS THE BAN: Keep your gloves off AI, military top brass

RSA USA Plus: Alphabet boss tells us not to worry about the Singularity

Why I had to sue the FCC – VoIP granddaddy Dan Berninger

Interview It's life or death, says guru unhappy with net neutrality regulations

MEPs in 'urgent' call for new laws on artificial intelligence and robotics

Liability issues with self-driving cars is key concern

Analyse this: IBM moves Watson machine learning to mainframes

Real time results from old time data

Nul points for Ukraine's Eurovision ticket site fail

Glitch left fans without seats

Haven't deleted your Yahoo account yet? Reminder: Hackers forged login cookies

We're! not! even! bothering! with! exclamation! mark! this! time!

Dell EMC plans to use VxRail for mutant cloud cargo

Hyper-converged nodes get turnkey hybrid cloud software

Sigfox leads with its chin on security for internet-connected things

Comment 'Imagineer's declaration' betrays industry-wide apathy

Microsoft ups Surface slab prices for Brits. Darn weak pound, eh?

If we had a pound for every time a biz cited UK currency woes

Virgin Media swallows 215,000 new fibre customers in Blighty

UK broadband biz posts unexciting results

F-Secure buys industrial control security firm

Also locks down automotive and aviation electronics

Former NSA techies raise $8m for their data governance startup

Immuta to free up data scientists in 'highly regulated' environments

Just finished your first TensorFlow app? Might be time for a rewrite...

Google's machine learning library hits 1.0

NetApp confirms: SolidFire hyperconverged appliance is coming

+Comment HCI plans reveal overshadows Q3 numbers

Dirty data, flogged cores: YES, Microsoft SQL Server R Services has its positives

The language isn't the problem, it's you and your PC

Identity disorder: Does UK govt need Verify more than we do?

Comment A bit less self-assurance goes a long way

Cloud industry body sets up new data protection code

European providers team up

Reg tours submarine cable survey ship
'Geo Resolution'

Slideshow Former US sub-hunter boasts 1980s décor, serious sonar, workstations galore and so much printer ink

Revealed: Web servers used by disk-nuking Shamoon cyberweapon

Avoid this wonderful malware on your network by black-holing connections

GitLab invokes the startup defence to explain data loss woes

'We're learning every day'. But does 'test your backups' really need to be learned?

Watch how Google's starving DeepMind AI turns hostile, attacks other bots to survive

Videos Really, guys? Really?

Xen Project wants permission to reveal fewer vulnerabilities

Poll Should bugs that don't expose user data be left alone, saving time and effort?

Baby supernova spotted, just three hours old and a real cutie

If 'cute' means 'explosively re-writes plenty of our theories about how stars behave'

Crypto-curious? Wickr's opened its kimono for code review

Look, don't copy: 'this is not an open source license'

ITU ponders whether blockchain belongs in its security standards

Security working group has decided it wants to know what it needs to know

Cisco shrinks: Revenue, profit and margin all dipped in Q2 2017

Big headaches in big iron, hyper-servers aren't taking off, but software biz all smiles

As Microsoft touts Windows Insider for biz, let's take a look at W10's broken 2FA logins

Smart card support busted? Redmond says: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Republicans send anti-Signal signal to US EPA

Resistance is futile as probe demanded into environment agency staffers

Global IPv4 address drought: Seriously, we're done now. We're done

Exhausted with never-ending internet exhaustion

OK, it's time to talk mass spying again: America's Section 702 powers are up for renewal

Analysis And tech groups are starting the fightback now

Talk of tech innovation is bullsh*t. Shut up and get the work done – says Linus Torvalds

OSLS A top life tip, there, from the Linux kernel chieftain

You know IoT security is bad when libertarians call for strict regulation

RSA USA 'When the internet crashes into the real world and people get killed' you'll be sorry

Rasputin whips out large intimidating tool, penetrates uni, city, govt databases – new claim

Ra, Ra Rasputin. SQL injection is his thing

Verizon! surprisingly! OK! with! Yahoo! despite! mega-hack!

Can't get that bonus if the merger falls through, so meh, shave off 5% and let's go

IBM hooks up with Hortonworks to Hadoop Big Blue products

+Comment But customers welcome to taste IBM's own-brand Hadoop sauce...

UK credit broker fined £120k for spamming folk with five million texts

Updated Consent wording not enough to prevent a spanking by the ICO

IBM to launch cheap 'n' cheerful Power server for i and AIX userbase

Doctor Blue says a little of what you like does you good

Microsoft offers drone lovers a simulator

Get to keep hardware home, gain machine learning anyway

Pwnd Android conference phone exposes risk of spies in the boardroom

Researchers could listen in on meetings and plant backdoors

Get it while it's hot: NASA's Space Poo contest winners wipe up $30k

As promised, story about space poo

Kremlin-linked hackers believed to be behind Mac spyware Xagent

iPhone backups can be slurped for Mother Russia, say researchers

Oracle hatches 'incubator' OpenJDK APIs idea

Unfinished APIs in JDK and Java SE

Prepare for an acquisition whirlwind? Private equity owners sweep up Nexsan

Comment New Orleans firm partner takes charge

Next Superdome CPU chips amble into HPE

Intel shipping Kittson samples into Itanium-land

Hold the phone! Crap customer service cost telcos £2.9 BEEEELLION in 2016

More moaned about than rail and energy, says ombudsman

Speaking in Tech: There must be 50 ways to leave your cloud provider

Podcast Dumping a mainframe – now that's another story

Hutchison's 3UK and Google push 3.5 GHz on both sides of the pond

Analysis Broaderband fight

Two words, Mozilla: SPEED! NOW! Quit fiddling and get serious

Opinion Unleash operation Thrash Chrome

Apple nabs smartphone top spot from Samsung, but for how long?

Santa's sack helps out in Cupertino

Forget quantum and AI security hype, just write bug-free code, dammit

RSA USA Crypto panel lets loose at conference

Google claims ‘massive’ Stagefright Android bug had 'sod all effect'

RSA USA And hackers didn't have much luck either with other flaws in the mobe OS

Cheer up, pal: UK mobe networks are now 8% less crap, tests show

At data, EE leads, Voda fails

Finally, a use for your mobile phone: Snapping ALIEN signal blurts

Citizen science project to find galactic bursts using selfie-taking pocket radio receivers

Remote unauthenticated OS re-install is a feature, not a bug, says Cisco

If you think bad guys could abuse the Smart Install protocol, just turn it off

IBM and ServiceNow lock eyes, vow long commitment

Roses are red. 'Global strategic alliance' is … eeeww. We've written a more fun headline for you even though V-Day is over

Oracle 'systematically stiffed its salesforce' claims new sueball

Updated Big Red 'categorically denies' former worker's claims it re-writes commission rules and puts sales people in 'debt'

Riverbed bakes SD-WAN into WAN optimisation

It's all cloudy, innit?

Meet LogicLocker: Boffin-built SCADA ransomware

Pay the ransom, or restore from backup. Choose wisely!

Inside Confide, the chat app 'secretly used by Trump aides': OpenPGP, OpenSSL, and more

Security experts skeptical of encrypted messenger's claims

A spanner in the works: Google's cloud database hits beta, gets prices

Ye canna' hand a man a grander (Cloud) Spanner

Australian Tax Office's HPE SAN failed twice in slightly different ways

Rickety array still at work: In tax-speak 'Commissioned new SAN' doesn't mean it's live yet

Toshiba chairman quits over $6bn nuclear loss

May have to sell even more of its chip business to cover costs

ASLR-security-busting JavaScript hack demo'd by university boffins

Amster-damn, that's a hell of a vulnerability to make browser bug exploitation easier

Apple: Don't panic, but your Mac can be pwned via GarageBand .bands

macOS gets patch for critical flaw in music app

'We need a new Geneva Convention to protect all citizens from snoops'

RSA USA Private biz needs to push back against government pressure, says Microsoft prez

Bruce Schneier: The US government is coming for YOUR code, techies

OSLS Open source has won, but victory may be fleeting

Magic Leap sued for sex discrimination … by woman it hired to stamp out sex discrimination

Oh yeah, and its technology still doesn't exist either

No crypto backdoors, more immigration ... says Republican head of House Committee on Homeland Security

RSA USA Is there something in the water in San Francisco?

Roses are red, bugs make you blue, Patch Tuesday is late, because Microsoft loves you

Adobe and Nvidia on the other hand...

Fujitsu has its own line of storage boxes, so, uh, why is it reselling XtremIO in Japan?

Extreme measures called for in an extreme geography

Commissioner kisses Met goodbye, says it's set to be 'best digital police force'

Never mind the cock-ups

Nifty website claims to make comparing cloud costs simple. Good luck with that

Covers AWS, Azure, Google clouds and more

Cloud is the future, wait, what? Cohesity cloud software now touted for on-prem gear

Cloud Platform becomes Virtual Edition for ROBO use

Kings College London bods recruit members for penis ring study

'One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness... oh sh*t, it's come off'

With nearly 1m users on its books, DigitalOcean touts load balancers

CTO gets all loved up about customers on Valentine's Day

Vinyl, filofaxes – why not us too, pleads Nokia

HMD cranks up the nostalgia ahead of comeback

Battle of the botnets: My zombie horde's bigger than yours

DDoSing over 100Gbps up 140%. Mirai worst but Spike peaks at 517Gbps

What have you learned about machine learning and AI?

Reg Events Show off your intelligence by answering the M3 call for papers

XPoint: Leaked Intel specs reveal 'launch-ready' SSD – report

Roses are nice, but SSDs from Chipzilla (if these specs are true) are DRAM-NAND gap-filler

Amazon Chimes into video-conferencing: Watch out Skype and Google

See this, Cisco?

GoDaddy CEO says US is 'tech illiterate' (so, yeah, don't shut off that cheap H-1B supply)

At least wait until there's a pipeline from schools, he says

UK website data insecurity worries: Users in bits over car break-up emails

Updated Don't break my car... my achy brake-y car.. or is that do?

Roses are red, violets are blue, HMRC confirms Verify can STFU

Taxmen to press on with own ID authenticating service... as we reported

Roses are reddish, exam-takers more so: Cisco's test price hike's a smack to the torso

Soz, currency fluctuation

Cisco's Visual Networking Index: Rather optimistic traffic numbers, aren't they?

Updated 5G, New Radio - how much of the hype should we really believe...

GRAPHENE: £120m down, finds it's still a long way from commercial potential

Wonder material, not wonder market

The Register's guide to protecting your data when visiting the US

Summary: You're (mostly) screwed without preparation

It's over? Pat Gelsinger's post vSphere VMware NSX-T opportunity

Sysadmin Blog Software-defined networking? Time for an open relationship

SaaS-y security outfit CrowdStrike falls out of love with test lab

Updated Tries – and fails – to have court suppress review of its Falcon product

Roses are red, violets are blue, fake-news-detecting AI is fake news, too

Analysis Humanity's bulls*** is too much for software

Oracle is red, violets are blue, we hope you'll integrate biz analytics in our cloud soon

Blue, soon, close enough

Roses are red, you're feeling blue, 'cos no one wants to watch VR telly with you

A solution! You can now invite your equally sad mates

Roses are red, you're over the moon, 'cos you work in infosec, and you're retiring soon

'Cliff edge' drop for UK cybersecurity industry

Oracle teases 'easy-to-absorb' platform updates, wants 'all' your infrastructure biz

Big Red admits to a lost half-decade in silicon, promises melding with software real soon

NASA picks three Martian wet patches for 2020 splashdown

Bug-hunting mission's final landing site candidates are thought to have seen water flow

Clouds can compete with HPC, say boffins

Azure hits the high notes in High Performance Linpack tests, SoftLayer strangles itself

Feel like a spot of planet-hunting? Here's 1,600 suns worth of data

Decades of exoplanet observations are yours for the downloading

Apple joins one wireless power group, the other one responds with so-happy forced grin

You've seen this movie before, on Betamax, and the ending isn't pretty

Explain! yourself! US! senators! yell! at! Yahoo!

Purple Palace pressed to come clean on its mega-breaches

Infosec pros aren't too bothered by Trump – it's his cabinet sidekicks you need to worry about

BSidesSF Crackdown on H-1B abuse is fine, backdoors no way

University DDoS'd by its own seafood-curious malware-infected vending machines

2017's security headlines are starting to read like MadLibs

WTF is up with the W3C, DRM and security bods threatened – we explain

Analysis Five years on, attempts at compromise on web standards still fueling fights

IT bosses: Get budgets for better security by rating threats on a scale of zero to Yahoo!

BSides SF Tips for running a compliant but safe network

Totally not-crazy billionaire Elon Musk: All of us – yes, even you – must become cyborgs

SpaceX kingpin says slow-moving human brains will be obsolete shortly

If you need an in-mem analytics cruncher – and, hey, who doesn't? – Microsoft Graph Engine is now open source

Data wrangler with MIT license

HPE brags its latest 3PAR OS shrinkwrapper better protects data

And more automation helps admin staff