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Q. What's today's top language? A. Python... no, wait, Java... no, C

Just learn them all and stop worrying about the popularity contest

Sokoban screenshot

DeepMind says it's given AI an imagination. Let's take a closer look at that

Google's machine-learning gurus see promise in simulated creativity

Take a number machine

Intel is upset that Qualcomm is treating it like Intel treated AMD for years and years

Chipzilla takes number, joins queue to kick Snapdragon biz in the ball arrays

Sopranos

The Italian Jobs: Bloke thrown in the cooler for touting Apple knockoffs

Feds made Naples man an offer he can't refuse

Silicon Valley IT biz boss cops to lying about Cisco H-1B jobs

Consulting firm fibbed about hirings to import more workers

Judge uses 1st Amendment on Pokemon Go park ban. It's super effective!

County had hoped to protect land from gamer stampede

Fan of FBI cosplay? Enjoy freaking out your neighbors? Have we got the eBay auction for you

Get this retired surveillance van for all your totally legitimate above-board activities

The Italian Jobs: Bloke thrown in the cooler for touting Apple knockoffs

Feds made Naples man an offer he can't refuse

Intel is upset that Qualcomm is treating it like Intel treated AMD for years and years

Chipzilla takes number, joins queue to kick Snapdragon biz in the ball arrays

DeepMind says it's given AI an imagination. Let's take a closer look at that

Google's machine-learning gurus see promise in simulated creativity

China censors drop the soap operas, sitcoms

Analysis That's the bad news. The good news is they've banned Bieber, too

Andy Rubin's overhyped and underdelivered Essential phone out 'in a few weeks'

At this point does anyone still care?

Silicon Valley IT biz boss cops to lying about Cisco H-1B jobs

Consulting firm fibbed about hirings to import more workers

Google, Amazon, Apple, Facebook blow massive amounts lobbying Trump administration

You know what they say: Money makes the world go round

Pull on yer wellies and let's wade through the week's storage news

But Muuuuuum...

Legal boffins poke holes in EU lawmaker's ePrivacy proposals

Recommend amendments on privacy, tracking and encryption

What is this – some kind of flashy, 3-bit consumer SSD? Eh, Seagate?

Nytro new PC disk replacement line of SSDs

But how does our ransomware make you feel?

Psychology of ransomware threats unpicked

Why you'll never make really big money as an AI dev

Artificial Intelligence? How the future was back in the '80s

I've got a verbal govt contract for Hyperloop, claims His Muskiness

World+dog: Oh no you haven't!

Vodafone reports sliding revenues but customers don't hate them as much

And India still a mighty struggle

Dump X of your crew, DXC Technologies UK told. Hundreds face axe AGAIN

Exclusive 'Please stop leaking info to The Reg,' says UK boss

Shut up and take my money! AI luminaries go gooey for Graphcore's smart chip tech

Investors shove another $30m into Bristolian startup's mitts

Volterman 'super wallet': The worst crowdsource video pitch of all time?

The cringe is strong with this one

Virgin Media broadband latency headaches still not fixed six months on

Promises firmware fix for superhub 3/Intel's Puma 6 'shortly'

Reg reader turns Geek's Guides to Britain into Geek's Map of Britain

Too lazy to plug GPS co-ords into satnav? Fear not, gypsythief has saved you

Ten new tech terms I learnt this summer: Do you know them all?

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Let's assume you've already heard of 'clickbait headline'

You can't DevOps everything, kids. Off the shelf kit especially

Comment Waterfalling for the, er, 'boring' stuff

The lady (or man) vanishes: The thorny issue of GDPR coding

The Devil is in the enhanced data model

User filed fake trouble tickets to take helpful sysadmin to lunches

On-Call Reg reader was shouted at for a problem the customer created, but won his respect and apologies

Boffins back bubbles for better bonding with beautiful belongings

AKA how to watermark 3D printed stuff with air bubbles

Q. What's today's top language? A. Python... no, wait, Java... no, C

Just learn them all and stop worrying about the popularity contest

Burglary, robbery, kidnapping and a shoot-out over… a domain name?!

When transfers go really, really wrong, allegedly

Moneysupermarket fined £80,000 for spamming seven million customers

Go compare the original opt-out request, firm told

Authorities go hard on coffee maker for stiff Viagra-powered brew

Is that a DIMM in your pocket or have you been at this banned bean again?

Microsoft finally allows hosted desktops on multi-tenant hardware

Windows 10 enterprise licences to gain virtualization rights, plus roaming to personal devices

Bluetooth makes a mesh of itself with new spec

Up to 32,000 nodes without routers in the middle and battery life measured in years

ServiceNow stops over in Jakarta on its journey to AI-land

SaaS-y business process simplifier adds security chat rooms, cloud management and more to new release

They say we're too mean to Microsoft. Well, how about this... Redmond just had a stonking year. And only 8% tax. Whee!

Paid -17% tax rate for Q4 despite making $72m every day

So, FCC, how about that massive DDoS? Hello? Hello...? You still there?

Updated Like trying to get blood out of a stone

US Homeland Sec boss has snazzy new laptop bomb scanning tech – but admits he doesn't know what it's called

Fscking nerds, Secretary John Kelly sighs

Alphabay shutdown: Bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do? Not use your Hotmail...

Analysis ...or the Feds will get you ♪

Death to strap-ons, says Intel, yet thrusts its little AI stick into us all

Behold, the neural network gizmo Chipzilla will quietly kill in two years, like its wearables

Second one this month: Another code bootcamp decamps to graveyard

'Unable to find a sustainable model' complains crashed programming crash course

UK uni warns students of phishers trying to nick their tuition fees

♪ You shall have a phishy on a little dishy when the hack comes in

Huawei reckons it can strong ARM its way into AI world with new chips

We're assuming Chinese giant will use ARM in ML processors. It probably will, right?

Toshiba's spat with WDC over chip biz is now a song of strife and ire

Court orders only prolong bid process, and winter is coming

White boxer is a white racker: Supermicro touts Rack Scale Design

VBlock-like converged systems

Cops harpoon two dark net whales in megabust: AlphaBay and Hansa

Tor won't shield you, warn Feds

Just look at our cloud sales, beams profit-sapped SAP

Boost to 2017 cloud guidance as revenue rises 29%

The eyes have IT: TSB to roll out iris-scanning tech for mobile banking

Biometrics, certificates combo to shore up security

Uber, Twitter's legal eagles gather to wring claws about bro culture

Time to expand the brocabulary

UK households hit by 1.8m computer misuse offences in a year

Stats show few report such crimes to cops

NHS trusts splashed £260m on PCs in last four years

Obviously not enough to stop Wannacry...

This is why old Windows Phones won't run PC apps

The Tale of the Left Behind

'Coke dealer' called us after his stash was stolen – cops

Sir, what is your occupation? Um, what?

Feature snatcher Microsoft tweaks OneDrive

But Placeholders won't be replaced until autumn

UK mobile number porting creaks: Arcane system shows its age

Comment Any, sorry, many ports in a storm...

No one still thinks iOS is invulnerable to malware, right? Well, knock it off

As platform's popularity rose, so did its allure to miscreants

HMS Frigatey Mcfrigateface given her official name

It's Glasgow, before you lot get too excited

Oracle's FS1 storage array fades into cloud like tears in rain

+Comment Big Red vapourises SAN tower, wants clients to do the same

Yeah, WannaCry hit Windows, but what about the WannaCry of apps?

Patching done proper

Breathless F-35 pilots to get oxygen boost via algorithm tweak

'OMG zillion-dollar jet is hackable' conspiracy theories in 3, 2, 1...

House of Lords to probe AI data slurping

Who owns all that valuable training info?

We're all saved. From the killer AI. We can live. Thanks to the IEEE

Rest assured, your personal software agent has been tested for loyalty

UK.gov watchdog didn't red flag any IT projects. And that alone should be a red flag to everyone

Analysis Transparency is welcome – but you gotta read between the lines

Crazy bug of the week: Gnome Files' .MSI parser runs evil VBScripts

Grab a fix now

Europe's 'one patent court to rule them all' vision may be destroyed by EPO shenanigans

King Battistelli finally facing consequences for his actions

Remember that Citadel bank-slurping malware? Its main man was just jailed for five years

Trojan was used to swipe $500m from victims' accounts

Why can't you install Windows 10 Creators Update on your old Atom netbook? Because Intel stopped loving you

Meanwhile, Redmond extends security fixes to tired CPUs

Deutsche Telekom G.fast demo pushes G.Fast faster, further

Interview: Sckipio explains what carriers will like about cDTA

Mozilla hoping to open source voice samples for future AI devs

Prying open speech recognition

Dahua cameras stung by Web interface bug

Long paassssswwwwwoooorrrd risks remote code execution

$30 million below Parity: Ethereum wallet bug fingered in mass heist

Crypto-cash leak made possible by software stuff-up

'We hold the high ground' says Qualcomm boss as profits crater

Apple's royalties and licensing boycott taking a heavy toll

Quantum crypto upstart QuintessenceLabs hopes to cut the cord

Canberra tips dollars into free-space next-gen comms development effort

Apple hurls out patches for dozens of security holes in iOS, macOS

Project Zero, GCHQ, and city of Mishawaka, Indiana among credited bug-hunters

'Millions of IoT gizmos' wide open to hijackers after devs drop gSOAP

Likelihood of patching for every affected system is zero

Apple's 'KGB level of secrecy' harms its AI projects – but don't worry, it's started a blog

Analysis Boffins still turned off by iMaker's closed culture

Amazon may still get .amazon despite govt opposition – thanks to a classic ICANN cockup

Special report DNS king breaks own bylaws yet again

.. ..-. / -.-- --- ..- / -.-. .- -. / .-. . .- -.. / - .... .. ... then a US Navy fondleslab just put you out of a job

-.-- --- ..- -. --. / .--. . --- .--. .-.. . / - --- -.. .- -.-- --..-- / . .... ..--..

Factories counter-punch Qualcomm in the gut as Apple eggs them on

Updated iGiant bankrolls manufacturers' legal battle royale over patent license fees

Who the funk is Hive-IO? It's where Atlantis assets have buzzed off to

Hyperconverged, VDI startup nibbles bits off software-defined storage supplier

Head in the clouds? Apparently there's now space on Oracle's sales team

Big Red to lure 1,000 bods, expands cloud-in-a-box services

190 Cray employees hosed down with shower of pink slippery

15% laid off in cost-cutting exercise at HPC supplier

NAND then there was a second growth quarter... IBM reports flash surge

Analysis A bit of goodish news from Big Blue

Reborn Nokia phones biz loses its head

More time to play Snake

Stop all news – it's time for us plebs to be told about BBC paycheques!

Comment Sexism in the Telly Tax, sexism in pay deals... where else, Auntie?

Hortonworks reshuffles C-suite, gets third COO in 12 months

Hadoop-flinger's CEO: We're making great progress, but...

Contain(er) your enthusiasm, nerds: Docker-backed OCI runtime spec hits 1.0

Look enterprises, we're all friends here, all getting along

School of card knocks: Russophone criminals offered online courses in credit card fraud

Обратите внимание на спину!

Segway hoverboard hijack hack could make hipsters eat pavement

Wheel-diculous Bluetooth security revealed

Speaking in Tech: We NEED to do a [insert buzzword] project!

Podcast Why IoT failed, the AI takeover, the rise of content providers, and assorted chat

Tapping the Bank of Mum and Dad: Why your Netflix subscription is poised to rise (again)

Analysis Valley's funding new companies that end up looking just like the old ones

IBM signs up for EU Cloud Code of Conduct, opens four data centres

Big Blue's public serivce hits nearly 60 DCs worldwide

TalkTalk posts 3% sales drop, says Openreach should walk the WalkWalk

Will 'engage practically' with former BT arm

China's 'future-proof' crypto: We talk to firm behind crazy quantum key distribution network

Should we believe the hype? And why drop so much $$?

Targeted, custom ransomware menace rears its ugly head

No spraying and praying here, just precise, exorbitant attacks

We'll hit THAT 95% Sigfox coverage target using telly aerials, says WND-UK

Well, rooftop yagis hooked up to 12v Intel PCs

Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3, 4G: Tube comms trials for emergency crews

But bosses can't promise it will be fully complete on time

Disneyland to become wretched hive of scum and villainy

These might be the Star Wars-themed hotel and rides you are looking for

Google Cloud plays GTA in Snowball fight with AWS

That's the Google 'Transfer Appliance', to get data out of your bit barn and into its cloud

Watson AI panned, 5¼ years of sales decline ... Does IBM now stand for Inferior Biz Model?

Analysis Ginni's still grinning, of course

Australia releases MH370 sea floor data but search is still off

Minister celebrates lovely pictures of the sea floor, says he hopes new info is found

Solaris, Java have vulns that let users run riot

What's big, red and has 308 patches, 30 of them critical? Oracle's quarterly patch dump

SQL Server 2017's first rc lands and – yes! – it runs on Linux

Penguinistas knock, Redmond lowers the Drawbridge

Rapid7 slurps security orchestration biz Komand

When a problem comes along, you must whip it. Without having to get off your chair

Nutanix CEO smacks down VMware exec over claim it's a new Enron

Yeah, the one that went down in flames for enormous financial naughtiness

Let's harden Internet crypto so quantum computers can't crack it

Draft blends asymmetric public/private key encryption and one-time pad analogs

Guess who's here to tell us we're all totally wrong about net neutrality? Of course, it's Comcast

Analysis Cable giant shares its thoughts on costs, freedom

Iranian duo charged with hacking US missile simulation software biz

Blokes allegedly lifted, cracked export-restricted rocketry design app to tout it in Iran

Google G-Suite spotted erecting stiff member vetting tool

App verification signage aims to give phishing the finger

It's A-OK for FBI agents to silence web giants, says appeals court

One step back – but several steps forward possible in battle against NSL gagging orders

Now your boss can tear you a new Glasshole: Google's techno-specs reborn as biz gear

Those that can, do. Those that can't, return in enterprise form

China's censorship cyber-missiles shoot down pics flying through WhatsApp, chat apps

Death of Nobel laureate Liu Xiaobo reveals new powers

Don't let this snap-drag-on: Qualcomm waves white flag to Apple

CEO Mollenkopf opens door for settlement in licensing battle

CoinDash crowdfunding hack further dents trust in crypto-trading world

$7m pilfered from investors, white hats on the trail

The Lord saw that man was wicked and sent a flood of storage news

He told El Reg to build an ark conveniently summing it all up

One-quarter of UK.gov IT projects at high risk of failure

Digital borders, digital tax and raft of MoJ projects singled out

Me-ow! Ruski tech titan Yandex open-sources ML library CatBoost

Something to do with categories, not feline antidepressants

Air, sea drones put through their paces on Solent testing range

Roboat firms and pals pile in

UK government's war on e-cigs is over

Comment Vape at work? Hey, why not?

Hypervisor kid Scale Computing ups hyperconverged smarts

Duals CPUs, triples capacity

Global Switch suffers uptime blips at London Docklands DC

Are you affected? You know who to tell...

UK regulator set to ban ads depicting bumbling manchildren

Vows crackdown on sexist commercials next year

Machine learning, Javascript and search? We’ve expanded our agenda

Events Two weeks left to grab MCubed early bird tickets

Gartner's Magic Quadrant flashes up pure flash array-pusher prize-plucker. It's Pure

Is that clear?

Insurers claim cyber calamities could cost more than Hurricane Sandy

Analysis But then again they would say that, wouldn't they?

Android-ocalypse postponed: Jide withdraws Remix OS from consumer frontline

The All Grown-up Android gets sent back to school

5G is not just a radio: Welcome to the fibre-tastic new mobile world

Analysis To succeed, operators need fibre, NFV, legacy kit and radio

Another Brexit cliff edge: UK.gov warned over data flows to EU

'No prospect of a clean break' on data protection laws – but UK may lose its influence

Why the Kubernetes Kids can't hurt Bezos' Amazon beast

Good luck, Anyone-but-AWS club. You'll need it

Thanks for U-turning on biz-killing ban, Ofcom – now cough up, say GSM gateway bods

Brit regulator urged to fork out tens of millions in compo

Openreach asks UK what it thinks about 10 million 'full fibre' connections

Friendly near-monopoly wants to work with industry, honest

Vendors rush to call everything AI even if it isn't, or doesn't help

So says Gartner, which reckons marketers have brainwashed themselves and us with AI hype

Hot HoloLens models 'shafted by Microsoft'

Modeling biz owner alleges harassment, retaliation in tech's latest embarrassing lawsuit

Security robot falls into pond after failing to spot stairs or water

Add 'rent-a-cop' to the 'jobs safe from AI' list … for now

John McAfee plans to destroy Google. Details? Ummm...

He's got a box called Sentinel to do the job, but in April he said it was 'vulnerable'

NASA whistles up electron noise from the Van Allen belt

Sure, Goddard boffins could just analyse the signals, but why not listen to them too?

Dow Jones index – of customers, not prices – leaks from AWS repo

S3 bucket was set to authenticate all AWS users, not just Dow Jones users

Buzzword buzzkill: Cloud, AI, IoT and edge work in a real product

SAP teaches factory equipment to pre-analyse for costly faults, call cloud for help

Dell and Intel see off IBM and POWER to win new Australian super

114 servers, 3,192 Xeon cores and another million-plus from GPUs, for petaflop performance

The curious case of a Tesla smash, Autopilot blamed, and the driver's next-day U-turn

Meanwhile, Musk's comments crash carmaker's stock

FreeRADIUS fragged by fuzzer – by invitation – and fifteen fails found

Bug fixes shipped for all supported versions

US laptops-on-planes ban now applies to just one airport, ends soon

Meanwhile the TSA found 78 guns at US airports last week, 32 with a round chambered

2017: The FBI alerts parents to dangers of Internet of Sh*t toys

Families urged to brush up on opsec, check for privacy leaks, patch security flaws, if possible

Russia launches non-TERRIFYING satellite that focuses Sun's solar rays onto Earth

Mayak bird so bright it may outshine Venus, Jupiter

Apache says 'no' to Facebook code libraries

Anti-patent-lawsuit restrictions land tools on banned list

Stop this crazy crusade! Google, Facebook, Microsoft, Amazon scold FCC over net neutrality

Lengthy filing by Internet Association highlights value of today's rules

AI bots will kill us all! Or at least may seriously inconvenience humans

Analysis Elon Musk again demands govt intervention to halt crazed computers

Ew! HTC jams pop-up adverts into people's smartphone keyboards

Is there nowhere corps won't try and sell you stuff?

The Atari retro games box is real… sort of

Here are some pictures. And, er, that's all we've got for you

Cisco plugs command-injection hole in WebEx Chrome, Firefox plugins

Make sure you've updated if you're using Windows

Forgotten your Myspace password? Just a name, username, DoB will get you in – and into anyone else's, too

Blast from the past blasted

Juicy fine for Bradford firm after it blurts one million spam texts

Brit biz told to pay £80k for messages advertising Satsuma Loans

Google must cough up contact info for 8,000 employees in gender discrimination case

But judge narrows scope of US Labor Dept request

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