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Molesworth and the New Latin

'Why must we lurn about computa sciense sur? Why?'

By Verity Stob, 27 Feb 2012

Stob 'In his speech [...] the Education Secretary Michael Gove appeared to accept in its entirety the argument that ICT had become little more than training in office skills and something far more rigorous was required [...] While Alex Hope's slogan "coding is the new Latin" did not appeal to some, it must have appealed to the classicist in Michael Gove' - Rory Cellan-Jones, BBC website

chiz chiz chiz

In the olden days eg last term we hav ITC 4 times a week chiz

ITC master comes into clars: gud morning boys now toda we shall do offis agen.

Evrybody: YORN!

BEAK: silens wile I start my p.c.

He spends 5 mins trying to get comp to start only he carnt cos sum unknoen persun (hem-hem) has chainjed the pazzword.

Everyun start to sniggr, xcept fotherington-thomas who doing xtra swotting and using blootueth erepeece to lissen to melvun bragg on the intanett.

Fotherington-thomas: o the joi of pur knolledg! how luvly it is to lurn!

He is an utta gurly weed and i despize him.

Grabber (put up his hand): Sir its all rite sir we can use my comp.

This grabber is hed of skool winna of mrs joyful prize for stile sheet formating and has his own lap top with 33in screen and case made out of solid urirdium and he can play portle 2 on it.

Grabber open enormus spred sheat and pointed where it sa

£99999999999999999.99

and sed thats what my pa made last year and pointed where it sa

0.00000001p

and sed thats what yor pa made molesworth haha yah boo suks.

BEAK: Thankyu grabber that will do now boys tern to frimley on pow point chap 25 and attemt the xercise.

Chiz chiz we are all DOMED.

Molesworth gide to riting for pow point

Furst, gather yor sorse material e.g. copy it of off WIKI like everyun does hem-hem

All our progress is an unfolding, like a vegetable bud. You have first an instinct, then an opinion, then a knowledge as the plant has root, bud, and fruit. Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mov full stops to front of sentenses, and enlarg to make bulletes. Remov unecesary words. Formerlize lists.

  • Progress is an unfolding, like vegetable bud
  • You have
    1. instinct
    2. opinion
    3. knowledge
    as plant hav
    1. root
    2. bud
    3. fruit.
  • Trust instinct to end though you can render no reason
  • after Ralph Waldo Emerson

Now rejuice content to it's essance & SMARTUN IT UP. Dont hesitat to use magc of CULOR and GRAPHICS to mak yor messag CLARE

COMP SCI for all

So much for the good ol days. Now COMP SCI rools, and things are v. diff.

For 1 thing grabber no longer hav lap top. He hav speshal edishun uridium-cased ipad4 with 8 trillion zillion megapixies, fasebook ackount preeloded with 500 frens & a copy of PLARNTS VERSUS ZOMBEES, the good version with Mikal Jaxson still in it.

For anuther thing, COMP SCI is EVEN DULER than ITC, which sa somthing. We also lurn about a lot of computa langs with funy speled names viz PEARL, FOURTH and PROLOGUE. Gilibrand, who is computa nerd, sa this is why they call it 'the new Lat.' e.g. becos we hav to lern a load of ded langwidges.

This a rep. sample of COMP HUMER, chiz chiz.

Yor only hope is to leed the COMP master into a RED HERING.

BEAK: Thees days xamples of IT ar all around us. Can anny boy suggest an xample of IT that is around us?

fone: wompawompawompaBLAMMERAMARAM

BEAK: peason i wont tel you agen. Annybody?

Molesworth: Sir, sir oo oo me sir?

BEAK (suspicishus): Yes wot is it molesworth?

Molesworth (bright urnest voice xprssing the curius yung mind): Why must we lurn about computa sciense sur? Why?

BEAK: So that wen you gro up you can get a job in IT and invent the new googul or mayb...

fone: OooooZOOMAZOOMA blippish!

BEAK: peason bring that fone up hear, you kno you arent aloud them in clarss. And dont mak that sine. Just becos it is o.k. for adele dosnt meen it o.k. for you.

Molesworth (faining keenuss to regain momentom): Oo yessir, so how wil i invent the new googul?

BEAK: Acktuly in yor case, molesworth, i think yor IT job will be of a diffrent charcter. It mor likely you will becum an asistunt to the Cel Gurru who hav table in the market outside mister patels fag shop, and unloks blakbrees for £2.50 a go.

Molesworth: once agen, sir, you out manoover me with yor reddy wit.

Whizz for Atomms

GRATE MOMENTS IN IT HIST: SirTim Burnnersly invents the semantik web at the CERN fasility.

FR SIENTIST UN: Shell we spleet zur atomm agen today?

FR SIENTIST DEUX: Wha nert? It eez fern.

<!-- Enter SirTim, stiking to the XPATH and WISTLING a lite DDT -->

FR SIENTIST UN: Lurk, zere goes SirTeem. SirTeem! SirTeem! Ovair ere! Weell yeur cerm end spleet zur atomm wiz urs?

SirTim: <distrakted>No thank you. I do not <feelbel xcuse>have the time</feelbel xcuse></distrakted>.

FR SIENTIST DEUX: Wah deur yeur alwez spik in zat raydiculers way?

SirTim: <indignunt>It is <emfatik>not</emfatik> ridicewlus. <unsubstanteeated clame>XLM is the <unjustfide super lativ>best</unjustfide super lativ> way to mak the web easy to undnerstand</unsubstanteeated clame></indignunt>

FR SIENTIST DEUX: Tell zat ter zee WATVG ma leetle eenglish pel.

CERN GIANT, hiding in tin of mutant qwarks-on-the-kob: Ho ho ho.

Closing thorts

During my 60 yers at St Custards ther hav been menny changes and needluss to sa 0 for the beter. The desision by so-called wizer heds to drop ICT in faver of COMP SCI i see as anotha blo to the alreddy abysmul ejucashun system. No wonder the nashun is on its knes

And befor they throo WORD in the bin, they mite at leest hav shown us how to werk the spel chekcer. ®

(99999 apols to shaids of Searle and Willans - VS)