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'The server broke and so did my back on the flight to fix it'

On-Call Epic tale of idiot sysadmin and the trek to clean up the mess left behind

Security world convulsed with mirth at Hacking Team’s 'virus torrent' squeals

Pull the other one, security pros implore eggfaced biz

shutterstock_263560157-nfc

Apple fanbois to be empowered to bonk each other

But we were doing that FIVE YEARS AGO, says exasperated PayPal

Philae takes a first look at the surface of Comet 67P

Dormant ALIEN SLIME LIFE frozen in SPEEDING comet will AWAKEN - boffins

Could live on earth, apparently

Hacking Hacking Team: Team torrentblurts list of government customers

Man, this two-edged sword has totally slashed me

Phew! Brits escape Azure price hikes as rest of world bears the brunt

Microsoft shows the people of Blighty some cloudy love

RM’s core division will soon be resources, not tech, reckons analyst

Future lies in exam tests and curriculum kit

Catalogic brings rank and file into line with copy data cleanup tool

IBM support in September, EMC early in 2016

Apple fanbois to be empowered to bonk each other

But we were doing that FIVE YEARS AGO, says exasperated PayPal

German gets 4 years in clink for $14 MILLION global ATM fraud

‘No such thing as anonymity in the cyber world’ says Secret Service agent

Planet killer: Ex-army officer's Welsh space-rock mission

Geek's Guide to Britain Tunguska, Chelyabinsk... Powys

Hyperconverged systems behind the buzzwords

What are they, and what can they do for you?

Dormant ALIEN SLIME LIFE frozen in SPEEDING comet will AWAKEN - boffins

Could live on earth, apparently

Rigby Private Equity stuffs its face with a slice of Wick Hill

Today Blighty and the DACH regions. Tomorrow, EMEA domination... maybe?

SEC launches probe into tech startup share selling 'black market'

Investors fall over each other to get hold of a chunk of prime unicorn flesh

Kingston offers up its fastest SATA SSD: HyperX Savage 240GB

Review Toughing it out against brutal competition

Oi, idiot fanbois. DON'T buy this gun-shaped iPhone case, mmkay?

Is that an iPhone in your pocket or are you trying to shoot me?

HP confirms its mighty Köck is standing down

EMEA big boss retiring before firm gets stuck into the big split

150,000 angry Redditors demand Chairman Pao's head on a spike

Petitioners want interim CEO to GTFO before she runs site 'into the ground'

Security world convulsed with mirth at Hacking Team’s 'virus torrent' squeals

Pull the other one, security pros implore eggfaced biz

Migrating from WS2003 to *nix in a month? It ain't happening, folks

Sysadmin blog Needs must, says Trevor Pott

Les Américains order a MEEELLION doughnuts ... from French baker

Will a million hotdogs be going the other way? Probably not

SolidFire pulls off gloves for unholy storage ding-dong. Ding-ding!

Flails at EMC, NetApp and Pure Storage with rolled-up out of date documents

Cloud provider goes TITSUP? Will someone think of the data!

Time to pull out the magnifying glass to swot up on those Ts&Cs

BPI fiddles with music consumption figures while revenues burn

Consumption up by four per cent, but post-Apple income set to fall

Firefox 39 bites four critical bugs

Set phasers to Frag, says Mozilla, in gaming roadmap for future browsers

Soyuz source replenishes international space station

926 pounds of water, plus food and oxygen, reach orbit to sate nervous 'nauts

Look! Up in the sky! Five Brit satellites on one Indian rocket!

Three-strong earth observation constellation, and two friends, due to fly on Friday

Florida cops cuff open-carry, balls-out pirate packing 'operational' flintlocks

Yarr, 'tis every seadog's right to trigger his smoke-poles

Microsoft to HIKE Azure prices as exchange rates shift

Blame Obama. Or Greece. Or China. Take your pick, really

Boffins demo 'memcomputer', plot von Neumann's retirement

Memory and processing in the same transistor

Hacking Hacking Team: Team torrentblurts list of government customers

Man, this two-edged sword has totally slashed me

US dominates net-security patents, China, Canada and Oz on the advance

Cisco led the pack, even before the big buys of 2015

Argentina finds messenger to shoot after e-vote vuln allegations

Programmer says he was raided for Tweeting

DDoSers call 1988 and want its routing protocol hacked

500 routers whip up colossal DDOS over ye olde RIP protocol

China unveils Internet Plus plan for FIRST time (actually third time)

Big Data decree, definitive human rights source and much, much, more

ONE MILLION new lines of code hit Linux Kernel

4.2 rc1 is biggest … release … candidate … EVER

US Feds investigating Prenda Law, say Pirate Bay co-founders

Self-seeding copyright troll's log files trawled, apparently

China hacks 'everything that doesn't move' says Hilary Clinton

The NSA? She's heard of it, presumably

Yank my blockchain: Bitcoin upgrade SNAFU borks hungry miners' currency

Virtual money system update spaffs $50k up wall

Will NOBODY take a stand against BLOATWARE? Wait ... WHO did?

If this case is won, let's all move to China

WHY did NASA probe go briefly SILENT - JUST as it was about to send pics of remote ice-world?

Unplanned schtumness 'scares' boffins

The Scientific Secrets of Doctor Who

Page File From inventive storylines to theoretical thinking

'The server broke and so did my back on the flight to fix it'

On-Call Epic tale of idiot sysadmin and the trek to clean up the mess left behind

Adam Smith was right about that invisible hand, you know

Worstall @ the Weekend But just not in the way you think

Giddy Google Glass gazers, beware! FCC filing obscures view on new gadget

Could 'GG1' bring yet more Glassholes?

Google's Cardboard cutout VR headgear given away GRATIS by OnePlus ... SELLS OUT

Pay $5 shipping fee and the viewer is all yours. Or not

Kobo Glo HD vs Amazon Kindle Paperwhite: Which one's best?

Review Our Vulture locks the two in a cage together

Did a SUPER RARE Sony-Nintendo PlayStation prototype just pop up online? Possibly, maybe

Vid And all that SNES ...

Post-pub nosh neckfiller: Uitsmijter

Substantial Dutch trough for the culinarily challenged

Reg hack survives world's longest commercial flight

How the cloud kept me in the clouds for 17 soul-crushing hours

Let me PLUG that up there, love. It’s perfectly standaAAARGH!

Something for the Weekend, Sir? Burn baby burn, kitchen inferno

Export control laws force student to censor infosec research

Ethical hacking undergrad from Northumbria Uni falls foul of 'ethics board'

Storage upstart: Our flashy gear is WAY faster than slow old DRAM

Echoes from the ghosts of sTec and OCZ's past

Biologists gasp at lemur's improbably colossal bollocks

Madagascarine Mirzas' mighty nads equivalent to grapefruit sized on human chaps

Will rising CO2 damage the world's oceans? NOT SO MUCH – new boffinry

Tests show key processes will be undisturbed come 2100

Rampaging fox terrorises rural sports club, victim sustains ‘tweaked groin’

Not so hard without your horses and dogs, are ya? Eh? EH?

Assange™'s emotional plea for asylum in France rejected

'Didn't make any such plea anyway, what everr', tweets Wikileaks

Wikipedia: YES! we’ve SAVED the INTERNET again!

'Are we socially responsible and honest? Hell, no. We’re Wikipedia'

It's all Uber! France ends its love affair with ride-sharing app

'Urban transport revolution' crushed by Madame la Republique

Vectone Mobile gone for the week, don't know when it'll be back

Updated MVNO offers ‘sincere’ apology to customers. Cheers for that

It's not for everyone, but hyperconvergence is still a valuable solution

Comment DDN and HDS lead the high-end market, but others will join in soon

Outsourcery has ‘greater flexibility to pursue opportunities’ after £4m Voda loan

It plugs a hole, but where are the profits?

Pisspoor EE customer service earns it a cool £1 MILLION Ofcom fine

Mobe firm tinkers a bit and promises to do better

David Beckham fakes bewilderment to flog mobiles to Yanks. Fakes?

Golden Balls doesn't ask about the price. Why would he?

Engineers 3D-print ROBOT SEAHORSE, then SMASH it with rubber mallets

There's a twist in this tail-twisting tale

Another day, ANOTHER Windows 10 build for us Insiders

Build 10162 comes with ISO download, WiFi purchase

Self/Less: Crap science, eyebrow acting, and immortality for the 1%

Film review Who wants to live forever?

Angry Austrian takes a hit in David and Goliath Facebook battle

Vienna court says it has no jurisdiction in misuse of personal data case

Oi, Commish. Get off the fence over French snooping law, says MEP

Le Charteur des Snoopeurs interferes with EU rights list, say aggrieved folk

Boffin: Will I soon be able to CLONE a WOOLLY MAMMOTH? YES. Should I? Hell NO

Poll But it would be useful for research

UK TV is getting worse as younglings shun the BBC et al, says Ofcom

Religion, formal education, classical music? What’s that?

Got a GUITAR, daddio? Wanna plug it into iOS or Droid? Try the iRig 2

Review Dangle dongle for frustrated axemen

It’s 2015 and we're being told not to send credit cards as cleartext

PCI Council policy update lets security admins play with crypto LEGO

What Murphy’s law has to teach you about data centres

'Our IT guy just let me trigger a total network outage'

North America down to its last ~130,000 IPv4 addresses

If you want more, join this orderly queue, maybe forever, say number wonks

PureVPN calls pure BS on VPN insecurity study

'We fixed that stuff last year', company says, 'but have a new client anyway'

German army fights underground Nazi war machine hidden in Kiel pensioner's cellar

Police who found it were only following orders, they say

Mastercard facial recog-ware will unlock your money using SELFIES

Whatever next? Belfies to get in your door?

Wanna go all Gandalf – YOU SHALL NOT PASS – on Windows 10?

You can stop the auto-installs, save your LAN, stay out of court and get home in time for dinner

Azure Australia went TITSUP for about seven hours

Update Australia East region users had 'Inability to connect' on Friday

Cloud market spins up a cyclone of sales

Server, storage and switch sales surge 25 per cent, says IDC

NASA invents super-SMACK, hallucinates WHOLE STAR SYSTEMS

video 31,000--core HPC sim shows Beta Pictoris b's dust cloud dancing

What's black, sticky, and has just 8GB of storage?

Intel Compute Stick with Ubuntu emerges at US$110 and super low-end spec

This box beams cafes' Wi-Fi over 4kms so you can surf in obscurity

RPi-powered rig suited to Snowdenistas keen to dodge plod

Reddit meltdown: Top chat boards hidden as rebellion breaks out

Subreddits in lockdown as unpaid moderators protest shock exit of popular staffer

Houston Astros 'hack' row: St Louis Cardinals fire their chief scout

Baseball club boots out director as details on database compromise surface

Ford recalls 433,000 cars: Software bug breaks engine off-switch

Turning it off and on again not possible until a dealer fixes it

Looking forward to getting Windows 10 the day it ships? Yeah, about that...

Not everyone will get it all at once

Japan's NTT whips out OpenStack cannon at cloud Godzilla AWS

Tokyo wants to avoid head-to-head with Amazon

Facebook prepares to STRAFE the developing world with FRICKIN' internet LASERS

Airborne podules to soak the planet in cat vids

A looksee into storage upstart Hedvig's garage

+Comment Quick dip under a distributed storage platform's covers

Microsoft: Stop using Microsoft Silverlight. (Everyone else has)

Says websites should switch to HTML5-based playback as netizens snub plugins

Uncle Sam poised to OK AT&T DirecTV gobble

FCC, DoJ both said to be nearing approval on mega-merger

Hold my vodka, comrade – I got this: Ruskies blast supplies to the ISS

Updated Step aside, Musk, and see how Ivan does it

Intel 80386 queen Renée James quits as chipmaker's president

Will assume role of CEO of another company in January

NexGen releases goodies for next-gen software package

VM-level QoS should reduce vMotion disturbances

'I am so TIRED of your bullsh*t...' Sprint boss flips lid at T-Mobile US CEO

Marcelo Claure in public Twitter meltdown

Nutanix vs VMware blog war descends into 'he said, she said' farce

There’s a way to end this, guys – just release your test results

Apple Music: First three months for free? We lasted less than 3 hours

Quick look Cupertino hopes you forget to unsubscribe before the payments start?

Red Hat rolls elastic Linux under SAP's HANA

Server friend finds love in big, bouncy AWS cloud

IPT: Sorry we confused Amnesty International with Egyptian group

Misattribution was my snafu, not GCHQ's, sez prez

YouTube is responsible for user content, says German court #1

But doesn't have to pay up, rules German court #2

Original LIZARD JESUS is found in Wyoming

As in a lizard that walks on water, not as in 'David Icke was right about Our Lord'

The case against Open Compute Project Storage flotation

Interview OCP-S caught in no-man's land between enterprise and hyper-scale

Harvard: Psst, Mr Future President. We just got PWNED by hackers

So change your password now ... and again in a few weeks

Apple's Swift creeps up dev language survey – but it's bad news for VB

Fruity programming language makes headway

Wikipedia jumps aboard the bogus 'freedom of panorama' bandwagon

Thing that won't happen definitely won't happen. Shocking, innit

Atos buys up Xerox ITO, splashing almost $1 billion in process

French firm sets its sights on US takeover

New racks, cables for aging and neglected data centres

Time for a power trip

Hacker plunders Plex, demands bitcoin payoff to avert FULL EXPOSURE

Firm: Chill – no credit card data was pillaged and the rest was hashed and salted

PayPal chomps up money-moving biz Xoom ahead of eBay split

Company waves credit card, splashes $890m to 'broaden market'

French privacy cops snarl at websites over crap EU cookie warnings

Banners and browser settings are not enough, you muppets

Protecting users against advanced threats and the human factor

On demand now

40 states line up with Mississippi in Google Adwords pharma scrap

AG alarmed at pre-emptive Chocolate Factory legal moves

F# earns Syme top Royal Academy of Engineering award

3D hip replacements and in-factory stuff finder also earn applause

Chair legs it from UK govt smart meter installation programme

Was Baroness McDonagh pushed or did she jump from sinking ship?

NHS IT failures mount as GP data system declared unfit for purpose

‘Failed projects have long been an expensive cliché … this is no exception’

Facebook unveils SECRET logo furtle – in a TWEET

Still white on blue, but now with custom typeface

FBI updates Most Wanted cyber felons list, offers US$4.2m bounties

Zeus creator has $3m on his head, may be boating on the Black Sea

UK.gov spied on human rights warriors at Amnesty International

Snooping could cost lives, group claims

Privacy watchdog ICO slashes its fines in half

Not interested in punishing companies 'left, right and centre'

Oil & gas? Pah. We’ve got a MASSIVE 3D printer, beams Dubai

And as soon as we order some toner we’ll print you a fully functional office

Windows 7 and 8.1 market share surge, XP falls behind OS X

It looks like the world wants freebie Windows 10 upgrades

LG won't fix malware slinging bloatware update hole

Smartmobe bloatware goes from annoying to dangerous AND annoying

20-yr-old Brazilian births 100 banking trojans

Who cares about OPSEC with slack laws and busy cops?

Rise of the Machines: ROBOT KILLS MAN at Volkswagen plant

Operator error, not Skynet, is early suspect

PeopleSoft p0wnage possible with a day of GPU brute-forcing

Researcher finds 500+ vulnerable systems, some at banks and military users

Cash-strapped Chicago slaps CLOUD TAX on Netflix, Spotify etc users

Streaming services to carry 9% fee ... but is it legal?

Ganges Web Services to launch in 2016

AWS promises bit barn splashdown in India next year

We read Hewlett Packard Enterprise's 316-page post-split blueprint so you don't have to

SEC docs show shape of tomorrow's HP after breakup

Trump carded: Wannabe prez's hotels 'ground zero' in banking breach

Crooks said to have pilfered payment info from resorts

Azure's already a AU$50 million business in Australia

Redmondian outpost feels it's catching AWS, fast

Samsung ousts Apple as top US smartmobe biz

Two phone makers carve up the market

Rosetta spots potholes IN SPAAACE: Someone call the galactic council

Comet 67P is collapsing from within

Amazon just wrote a TLS crypto library in only 6,000 lines of C code

At 1/10 the size of OpenSSL, it should be easier to spot bugs

Sprint: Forget all we said about strangling your web video streams

And can someone replace our brakes? That U-turn we just pulled was hella

Linux Mint 17.2: If only all penguinista desktops were done this way

Review Freshness AND familiarity

NASA's New Horizon probe rudely fires its thruster at gnome planet

She's in the pipe, five by five

FBI probe physical intrusions into Californian internet cables

Chopping up fibres is one way of stopping mass surveillance

Server guys: Are you running fewer than 200 virtual machines?

Hyperconverged systems will reduce your technical debt

Microsoft rushes out latest Windows 10 build. 300 fixes? Pff, whatever

'Interesting change' seems to mean 'baked-in silliness'

In your face, US citizens! Govt can’t save you from corporate eyes

Tech firms evading ‘basic limits on their ability to collect, monetise data’

It's all downhill from here: Avalanche spins STT-RAM

With memory based on the orientation of electrons, scaling is clearly not an issue

It's the hottest day of the year. So check out John Lewis' Xmas tech range!

Pics Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way...

The blessing and the curse of Big Data

Sysadmin blog It's what infrastructure is really for

Congratulations! You survived the leap secondocalypse

Tweets mistimed, AWS outed, yet world somehow continues turning. Albeit more slowly

‘Clandestines' prompt British border blockade in France

National Barrier Asset set to appear across the Channel

Silly Google's Photos app labelled BLACK PEOPLE as GORILLAS

Machine learning is hard. And sometimes deeply offensive

Don't start reading the last rites for monolithic storage just yet

But other tech can simply do the job better, sorry

Speaking in Tech: Just slacking off and keeping things contained

Podcast Meanwhile, SCOTUS is getting it all wrong. Again

Orange hurls €90m at Israel's Partner to end political bunfight

Chief exec’s crowd-pleaser didn’t go down at all well

SEX-starved worm can GIVE HEAD to ITSELF to reproduce

No one to blow? Stab yourself in the head with a penis

Samsung/Cheil merger goes on: Soz Elliot, not this time, says court

Court cock blocks corporate cock blocking attempt

How should you manage your network's traffic performance?

On Demand Getting the internet to demonstrate

Are you clever enough, and brave enough, to give a Register lecture

The Register Lectures Got something to say? Tell us all about it