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Our plucky Playmonaut celebrates his riches with a bevy of beauties

Argos offers 'buy now pay in 3 months' deal

Reg reader enjoys deferred payment and free shopping voucher

When asked 'What's a .CNT file?' there's a polite way to answer

ON-CALL And then there's the Reg reader way, as used on a chap who 'lost my blue E'

monty_python_french_knights_648

Send tortuous stand-up ‘nine-thirty’ meetings back to the dark ages

Something for the Weekend, Sir? They’re almost medieval anyway

Sunset by https://www.flickr.com/photos/pslee999/ cc 2.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/ attribution generic

Zero. Zilch. Nada. That's how much Netflix uses its own data centres now

Eight year migration ends after year spent beating up billing application

Bruce Schneier

Global crypto survey proves govt backdoors completely pointless

Like playing a frustrating game of whack-a-mole

Google wins High Court fight with StreetMap over search results self-pluggery

Dominant? Yes. Abusive? No, rules the judge

Philae comet lander officially dead

Chances of communication 'close to zero'

Skype users were targeted by bad-ad pushing Angler crooks

But fear not – the taint has now been purged

National Pupil Database engorged to 20 million individual kids' records

Massive population-wide pupil data slurp also available to private sector

HPE StoreServe flash capacity boost coming

Near enough 8TB SSDs on the way

Ofcom spent £10m in past 2 years desperately lobbing away sueballs

Updated Does regulator have time to make policy?

Continuous Lifecycle London: Early bird tickets fly off in 21 days

Three weeks left to save a bundle

When it comes to spaffing your login creds, Android biz apps are the business

300% better at it than non-business apps

Argos offers 'buy now pay in 3 months' deal

Reg reader enjoys deferred payment and free shopping voucher

Send tortuous stand-up ‘nine-thirty’ meetings back to the dark ages

Something for the Weekend, Sir? They’re almost medieval anyway

IT's Holy Grail, but is DevOps a Poisoned Chalice for sysadmins?

A journey without end...

Big data lakes? Too many ponds, that’s the problem

Everyone says they'll go big, then puts together a bunch of small silos

Portworx puts storage into containers for your data centre pleasure

Early edition of product is aimed at DevOps folk

Indonesian comms ministry orders 'gay emoji' block

First they came for the local IM services, then they came for the world's

When asked 'What's a .CNT file?' there's a polite way to answer

ON-CALL And then there's the Reg reader way, as used on a chap who 'lost my blue E'

Scariest climate change prediction yet: More time to eat plane food

Boffins predict jet streams to strengthen, which will mean longer trans-Atlantic flights

Depressed? Desperate for a ciggie? Blame the Neanderthals

Prehistoric nookie has knock-on effects

Computer Science grads still finding it hard to get a job

Skills gap? What skills gap?

Council IT system goes berserk, packs off kids to the wrong schools

Admissions software piles pressure on anxious parents

Zero. Zilch. Nada. That's how much Netflix uses its own data centres now

Eight year migration ends after year spent beating up billing application

Hack VMware, score US$75K. Hack Flash, get much less

CanSecWest Pwn2Own hackerfest names its targets and prizes for 2016

Net narks phishing AlphaBay drug logins in clever redirect attack

If ever you wanted proof there is no honour among thieves, this scam proves it

You can leave your hat on, warbles Rackspace to OpenStack users

Red Hats enterprise linux OpenStack comes to former AWS-chaser's cloud

VMware hikes vSphere prices, shrinks licence options

Thousand-dollar increase for vCenter instances, but you get new goodies for the price

Dell 'struggling to raise funds for EMC gobble'

A falling tech market sinks all boats

Verizon is on cloud none: Comms giant will axe two public services

Punters told they have until April 12 to save their data

Facebook-squishing Indian regulator's next move: Open source code

How's that for colonialism, Andreessen?

Used a cell phone in NYC? The cops probably tracked you

Report on heavy stingray use could make NYPD blue

Boffins' gravitational wave detection hat trick blows open astronomy

Analysis A discovery to make Einstein proud

Uber, Taskrabbit, other Silicon Valley darlings urge Europe not to screw their business

47 sharing-economy outfits ask not to be limited by local laws

Time acquires Myspace, creates 2004's most fearsome media giant

Social networking has-been is Joe Ripp's problem now

Sick and tired of modern Windows? Upgrade to Windows 3.1 today – in your web browser

Over 1k programs and games preserved by Internet Archive

Health and Safety to prosecute over squashed Harrison Ford

Star Wars production company due in court

Cricket can get nasty: India v Pakistan rivalry boils over into cyber-war

Cheer at Test results, find yourself hit by SQL injection

Great news, investors of Hortonworks: Only $179.1m net loss in 2015

Still burning bank notes, but at least not at both ends

No, HMG, bulk data surveillance is NOT inevitable

Painful realities of the Investigatory Powers Bill

Microsoft axes ‘dozens’ more from former Nokia phone biz

Updated Satya Nadella continues Finning out the herd

Mirantis: OpenStackers, it's us or Amazon...

Never mind the rest, we're the only viable open-source choice

Docker users clock up 2 billion pulls since 2013

The mark of a healthy and active ecosystem

Google after six-year tax foot-drag: No they're fine about the fine. We're fine. No fine

£130m tax bill over 10 years biggest settlement outside US

Boffins show Ed Vaizey what superfast means: 50,000x faster than UK broadband

Data transmission barrier smashing demo

Move over, Google. Here’s Wikipedia's search engine – full of on-demand smut

Why trawl the world, when the world is inside Wiki?

Tier me up, tier me down: Cohesity adds cloud spill trays to on-premises array

Plus SMB support and encryption

School network manager wins £10,000 in NCC Group Cyber 10K challenge

Impressed panel with 'holistic' computer solution

1Gbps quad-antenna mobile broadband chip dives off Qualcomm's drawing board

Plus new Snapdragon SoCs for upcoming smartphones

Heart Internet in 22-hour TITSUP after data centre power stuffup

One of the 'most efficient and resilient data centres in Europe'

Global crypto survey proves govt backdoors completely pointless

Like playing a frustrating game of whack-a-mole

Automic grasps plug-in, reaches for OpenStack

Enterprise ops people best placed to float clouds for devs

Scale-out storage: Proprietary? commodity? Or both?

Depends what the object of your quest is...

Amazon's Lumberyard invaded by zombies

Game dev tool service terms address undead apocalypse

From Tony Stark to Iron Man: Building tomorrow's IT chief

The new IT chief and you... the new IT chief is you

Joint Committee on UK Snoopers' Charter: Make like a dictionary and give a definition

IPB Suggests ICRs may be up for the chop... or maybe not

Don't freak out, but your primary storage has become 'aware'

Comment Picking apart the new 'data-aware' storage trend

EVO:FAIL as VMware quietly shelves its EVO:RAIL recipe

VSAN's the man from now on, but there may be another plan

Bitcoin's governance bungles stain the blockchain's reputation

If the cryptocurrency can't organise its own evolution, we lose a chance at better security

Women devs – want your pull requests accepted? Just don't tell anyone you're a girl

Did you pull last night? ... Code. We're talking about code

Putin's internet guru says 'nyet' to Windows, 'da' to desktop Linux

In Soviet Russia, computer uninstalls you!

Hollywood gives up speculative invoicing attempt in Australia

Judge wanted copyright-holders to charge pirates a pittance so Dallas Buyers Club folded

Boffins freeze brains, then thaw them – and they're in perfect order

Rabbit and pig brains look fine, but haven't been transplanted. Sorry, Walt

Indian telcos ask for details of Facebook-flaying neutrality law

Regulator's Zuck-off to Free Basics has carriers worried they might be in trouble too

Bluetooth direct to the internet: What could possibly go wrong?

Hang on! Doesn't Wi-Fi already let 'things' do that?

South Korea abandons manufacturing enclave in nuclear North

Kaesong Industrial Complex to be 'completely closed', says Unification Ministry

Norks stabilise non-threatening space speck ... for about five minutes

South Korea recovers chunks of rocket from ocean as satellite tumbles on

Panasonic Toughbooks are so tough they can smoke

It's a fire-bug, not a feature. So Panasonic's recalling machines from 2011 to 2013

Building automation systems are so bad IBM hacked one for free

Remote sites owned as router, controller and server all fall to pen-test team

Celebrities fronting startups again? Now we're interested!

In who’s behind the startup and who it’s linked to

Cisco security kit wide-open to IKE bug

Patch your ASA appliances now unless you like the world reading your secrets

Enterprise network spend hits the brakes – and Cisco's OK with that

$11bn is still $11bn

Carly Fiorina makes like HP and splits – ex-CEO quits White House race

US Prez wannabe rails against 'crony capitalism', puts boot in Hillary

TTIP: A locked room, no internet access, two hours, 300 pages and lots of typos

Inside the surreal world of US-EU trade treaties

Crims unleashed IRS-stabbing malware in bid to rob 464,000 people

You'd think someone filing your tax return for you would be doing you a favor. Guess again

US Congress locks and loads three anti-encryption bullets

We might ban it, we might not, but we will be in charge

Twitter CEO Jack's off to the settings page, adds robot-sorted tweets

Meanwhile, biz slams $521m into the red. Yeouch!

Japanese boffins fire up 100Gbps wireless broadband connection

Terahertz radio transmitters lead to possibility of high-speed pipelines

How one of the poorest districts in the US pipes Wi-Fi to families – using school buses

Coachella Valley uses its imagination for IT setup

Let Europeans sue America for slurping their data – US Senate

Judicial Redress Act passes

Data wranglers Trifacta wangle themselves $35m in VC cash

In Brief Self-service-as-a-Service. Clear? Good

Andreessen stokes the Facebook Free Basics ‘colonialism’ row

Don't you DARE call us paternalistic. We've got people to NANNY

VMware adds dedupe tool to VSAN penknife: You don't need no steenkin' array

Takes on rivals Simplivity and Nutanix

Three storage upstarts hit back at doom, gloom 'n' layoffs news

Exagrid, owncloud and Simplivity all say they're bucking the trend

Hold the miniature presses: Playmobil movie is go

Overdue cinematic celebration of our fave figurines

Coho Data leaps aboard layoffs train: Another startup cuts jobs

Six firms and counting. Who'd be a storage engineer these days?

Offers? Opera's board likes Qihoo, says shareholders should too

Chinese mega firm part of buyout offer consortium

Amazon launches Lumberyard beta, a free gaming engine, but there is a catch

Do what you like, as long as you play in our forest

SAP plugs critical software flaw that could let hackers into factories

It would be alarmist to say it sounds like a Stuxnet vector, so we won't do that

Met Police wants to keep billions of number plate scans after cutoff date

Crap IT systems, huge ANPR database, no statutory footing

MapR says Q4 revenue embiggenment was down to ex-Oracle chap

Privately held firm boasts about ever-bigger claimed numbers

Ready to cook Amazon's Lambda? Google releases preview of Cloud Functions

Less flexible than AWS service – but talks to Choc Factory's other toys

Three scoops 'most reliable network' crown, EE takes every other title

And if you're on Vodafone ... well, it sucks to be you

ARM pumps fist as profits soar, warns of weaker hand in 2016

It had a bumper year, but expect losses for this one

Speaking in Tech: It's all about the flashback to 1982's WangNet

Podcast Plus: 'We'd have no ****ing podcast if that weren't the case'

Firemen free chap's todger from four-ring chokehold

Precision saw, cooling fluid, nerves of steel

CSI: Let's get out of the lab, interview the suspect, then do a warrantless search

But Continual Service Improvement – now THAT'S a real job

This is why copy'n'paste should be banned from developers' IDEs

Line Break More mind-boggling code unfortunately encountered in the wild

Crypto connoisseurs: Curl up with Princeton's 300-page ode to Bitcoin

Draft tome published.

Bank fail: Ready or not, here's our new software

Today, I was a user When IT goes bad, from the end-user's point of view

Techie the most recession-proof job

But sector still took jobs hit and an 11% pay cut in 'real terms'

HMRC is to tax OpenStack cloud with UK citizens' data

'Linux for the cloud' to host beloved state service

Open APIs for UK banking: It's happening, people

Consumer trust central to success of initiative, say law bods

Why does the VR industry think 2016 is its year? It's the hardware, stupid

Smartphones, not headsets driving the market

SCO's last arguments in 'Who owns Linux?' case vs. IBM knocked out

Judgements in this case are like buses: none for ages, then two at once

FTDI boss hits out at 'Chinese criminal gang' pumping knock-off chips

From Shenzen to your two-dollar USB cable: How UK-based biz is trying to block counterfeit silicon

Is tech monitoring software still worth talking about?

Sysadmin Blog Long-ignored issue, or solved problem?

Microsoft quits giving us the silent treatment on Windows 10 updates

Poll Tell us – are you happy with the new changelogs?

Gmail growls with more bad message flags to phoil phishers

Encryption and authentication become part of the webmail UI

Intel's Wind River preps server to deliver VMs into home routers

OpenStack and KVM offered as network function virtualisation platform

Flash flushed as Google orders almost all ads to adopt HTML5

Adobe's porous pest scores another seal of thorough disapproval

GSMA outlines thoroughly sensible IoT security rules

Rules for device design and behaviour put thing-makers should shut down shoddiness

Moscow raids could signal end of global Dyre bank trojan menace

Police keep mum as malware activity flatlines

Google binning its search appliance hardware business

Hardware's gone, but Google's way of doing things won the day. Next stop: cloud

Bitcoiners are just like everybody else: They use rubbish passwords

Arnold Schwarzenegger just called to say 'don't use my name as your password'

Cisco forgets to ship management software with security appliances

No, you're not the worst sysadmin in the world, lots of people had to download it

San Francisco prepares to open source its voting system software

Will it be the first in the nation to do so in 2019?

Australian astroboffins reveal hundreds of hidden galaxies

Parkes telescope finds a million, billion suns behind the Milky Way

Dumping chapter and verse on someone's private life online may be outlawed in Utah

Anti-doxxing bill proposed

Linode SSH key blunder left virtual servers open to man-in-the-middle fiddles for months

Regen your keys ASAP

2016 tech shakeout starts with CxO exodus

Analysis Zenefits, Imagination, Yelp, Paypal all lose key execs

Don't touch that PDF or webpage until your Windows PC is patched

Microsoft blats bugs in super-secure web browser Edge, its OS, the Office suite, and more

VMware finally gets all its end-user computing ideas together as one

'Workspace One' to compete with Citrix's Workspace Suite, with help from new PCoIP alternative 'Blast'

Microsoft hits the gas in drive to recruit autistic techies

Redmond wants unique minds

Want blazing fast Netflix streams? Book a flight to Northern Europe

Tiny nations lead broadband poll

We're going to use your toothbrush to snoop on you, says US spy boss

The Internet of Things is great for us, says James Clapper

Google crafts custom networking CPU with parallel computing links

Updated Patches for 32-bit processor hit LLVM C/C++ compiler suite

Sophisticated malware-as-a-racket fraudsters have been scamming businesses for 10 years

The Poseidon (malware) Adventure

How cybercrooks made $330K from ransomware without really trying

Ker-ching!

Don't mention the F word: Adobe releases Animate CC

Rebranded Flash Professional with new features including 4K video export

SwiftStack's multi-modal 'we're so much better than you' FUD play

Comment Split metadata storage scheme for faster object access. Hmmm

Obama govt proposes 33% hike in cyber-security spending

Good luck getting that through the House, Barry

NASA charges up 18-prop electric X-plane

Battery-powered 'Sceptor' set for 2019 launch

Getting a grip on Puppet: A guide for beginners

We're not just stringing you along...

HPE beefs up entry MSA with a bit of flash

SSD price cuts and a denser filer make up a satisfying trifecta

Virgin Media spoof email mystery: Customers take to Facebook

ISP: There has been no breach, no idea what you mean

Don't you see these simple facts? Destroy Facebook and restore human Liberty

FoTW This man is really sick, sick, sick, sick, sick

Intelligence Committee marks Gov's Snoopers' Charter: See me after class

Needs more clarity, Theresa, but otherwise a very good effort

Irish kids get first-person view of 1916 uprising... via Minecraft

Grainy B&W pics and footage just don’t cut it - we want pixels

Violin Memory offers starter kits to tempt flash storage virgins

Step right up and get your two million IOPS bundle

DataGravity CEO, on layoffs: A little pruning doesn't hurt

Comment Unless you're the one being pruned. Not that he'd know

Private clouds kinda suck, you know?

Sysadmin Blog Enterprises want them, but they're still a pain in the ASCII

Ballmer schools SatNad on Microsoft's mobile strategy: You need one

Otherwise, everything's just fine and dandy

What took you so long, Twitter? Micro blogging site takes on the trolls

U mad bro?

Actifio CEO talks about growth, quietly sacks bunch of staff

Copy data reducing startup goes into staff reducing mode

Silent Nork satellite tumbling in orbit

Pyongyang not yet ready to nuke California

Amazon UK boss is 'most powerful' man in food and drink

We will, we will rock you

Imation: Data storage? No, come to us for, er, investment advice

Analysis Hands out cash for activist investor's fund to manage, too

Russian ATM-popping gang used nation state cybercrook tactics

Be very slow with the brute force, Igor. Three times a week, only on Saturdays

Ex-TalkTalker TalkTalks: Records portal had shared password. It was 4 years old

Exclusive Is that how crims nicked the engineers' data?

Dell PowerEdge R730: Reg rack monkeys crack smiles over kindness of engineers

Review Steady on: Nothing shocking, but it's good kit nonetheless

Canonical reckons Android phone-makers will switch to Ubuntu

Desktop Linux to spring Google's OEM prisoner partners

Nokia kicks off pre-MWC race with tech show-and-tell

Al-Lu, Al-Lu... Notice anything new about us?

Picking apart the circuits in the ARM1 – the ancestor of your smartphone's brain

Pic Silicon layout reverse-engineered

France joins India in telling Facebook to just Zuck off

Orders The Social NetworkTM to stop sending data to USA, tracking non-members